never underestimate THIS blonde!

Right vs Wrong and Life

2011-11-30T08:15:00.000-06:00

This is something I've been thinking about since Monday night, lots happened that night. Mostly is there a "right" way to live your life?

I generally think that life just sort of happens, nothing ever goes as planned and if it did it would be pretty boring. I believe that The Matrix was correct in thinking that if humans were offered paradise they would reject it, its like freewill would be taken away and humans love freewill.

I believe that some ways or somethings are better than others, but than comes a difference of opinion. Most people would agree that murder is wrong, but some define murder differently. Some believe to eat animals is akin to murder. Some believe abortion is a form of murder, and that also depends on how far along the baby is.

So while there are some ways that might be better, or maybe more socially acceptable, that doesn't make them right. In the opposite, going against the social norm doesn't make it wrong.

We are all individuals, what works for some does not work for all. We need to do what works best for us individually with the least amount of affect on others.

I may live my life differently than most but its still a pretty darn good life. I need to do what is best for me regardless of the opinions of other people.

Someone I know made this decision earlier this year, ever since then she has learned a lot about true friendships and strong relationships... I have a feeling I'll be learning the same thing in a few months...

Around but not "here"

2011-11-17T08:54:00.001-06:00

I'm still around, living my life, trying to do or improve different areas of my life, lots going on, not sure how much I will write anymore, sometimes I fell when I write about the good it goes bad, and when I write about the bad it gets worse. Perhaps I'll throw up random observations now and then. If you really want to know what is going on in my life than be friends with me on Facebook. Hope you're all doing well and have had a great year.

busy busy busy...

2011-10-18T20:40:00.002-05:00

it must be about time for an update. not that I think I have tons of readers who hang on my every word, but I do know of a few people who check up on me now and then...

Vacation is coming up very soon, so much to do and so little time. Thankfully some things have been cancelled or rescheduled so it's not as busy as it could have been. Last weekend I spent with some girlfriends at a scrapbooking retreat. So much fun spending time with them and getting to know others even better. Loving them all! I actually got some pages completed, got some others started, and planned for others as well. Still have so much to do.

Surprise! I reconnected with a friend that I thought I had lost earlier this year. She has been through some very rough times this year and we're working on fixing our relationship. Love her and her family dearly. Hoping I get a chance to visit them sometime soon.

My Irish Man... well... things could be better, but they aren't worse. His new job has him spinning in circles and he's so very busy. He has actually had to take a step back from us, he can't put into our relationship everything he wants to, he simply doesn't have the time. But we're still talking, still getting to know each other, still trying to find time to spend together. He is still so wonderful and kind and affectionate, I miss him terribly.

Life

2011-10-11T08:23:00.001-05:00

Life has a strange way of happening when you don't want it to. You're content in where you are, what you're doing, who you're with, etc. And then life happens and things get all shaken up, kind of like a snow globe, and it takes a while for things to settle back down.

Yes my life has been shaken up, I'm getting used to it, it's not something I would have picked to have happen or to happen now. I'm working through the various aspects and am continuing to move forward.

I always wonder where the road will lead and tend to forget about the path I'm on, looking 10 steps ahead instead of the one I'm about to take.

how i'm doing..

2011-09-27T20:50:00.000-05:00

ugh it's been a while since I posted anything. Life has been crazy hectic, busy busy life! Which is a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. The Rendezvous was a success, or at least no complete major breakdowns and I think everyone had a good time :) I did decide that I'm going to continue through the 25th anniversary and then someone else can take over. By that time I'm sure I've had more than enough of all of it and will be ready to get back to some fun :)

Irish Man... well I'm confused, we gotta work on that communication thing, but I still very much so enjoy spending time with him. I believe he enjoys spending time with me :)

I'm getting excited for next month and for celebrating my birthday all month long :) I've been making plans and scheduling things and I can't wait to see everyone!

Okay that's all I've got for now. Still lots going on... whee!!!

FB

2011-09-23T08:19:00.004-05:00

and no that doesn't stand for Facebook... it stands for First Boyfriend aka Ducky. I don't know what the deal is, why I do these things at times. Oh well. I sent him a message a couple of years ago and he never responded, I sent one last year and still no response... recently I saw something he posted, found out he knows someone I know from church, and sent him another message... ya this time he responded.

It was quite an interesting conversation. We talked two or three nights in a row... it's interesting how we remember things differently... he's been reading my blog since that first time I sent him a message, that explains a lot about some of the tracking I've seen.

Turns out someone else from church works at the same place he does... the world is getting smaller.

It was interesting talking with him, to hear his side of the story, how he remembers things vs how I remember them... granted that was almost 20 years ago... okay only about 18. He has a better grasp of the chronological... I miss that he never became the astronaut he dreamed of being...

I've broken a few hearts in my past... and my heart has been broken a few times. I think like most people out there I'm a decent enough human being... but broken hearts skew the perception and can change how you see things.

I apologize to anyone I've hurt, it certainly wasn't my intention, just as I'm sure it wasn't the intention of those who hurt me. It does seem to be a vicious cycle and hopefully we can all grow and learn from the events of our lives so that we don't repeat them... ah but as history has taught us we seem to be doomed to repeat ourselves...

All of this has happened before and it will happen again ~BSG

"It appears I've lost the falatus to speak properly"

2011-09-22T06:25:00.002-05:00

and also the falatus to type and make complete sentances...

I have much to say just no time to say it, busy busy and I love it! :)

I feel like "me" again

2011-09-09T14:25:00.001-05:00

and I'm writing like "me" again as well. It's amazing how certain changes, kinda small or not, can have such a huge affect on your life. I feel so me again! I'm writing about various topics, various things in my life, my love love, my Christian life, a little of this and a little of that.

I feel like previously all I could think about, and thus write about, was one topic, one area in my life... what a drain! Certainly couldn't have been much fun to read about that's for sure.

You know I'm "me" again when I'm writing blogs in my head at work, while driving, and doing other various mundane tasks :) I've got a few more coming up soonish, maybe, if I can find the time to write. If not soon I'm sure later this month once things settle down a bit :)

Weight loss

2011-09-09T12:15:00.001-05:00

So at some point recently I posted that since the start of the year I've lost 20 pounds. Yay me! But I could have done so much better this year.

The first thing was drinking more water, that's how I lost the first 10. No idea how I lost the other 10? I still eat and move the same as I did before. Who knows.

I do have a couple of new motivations to give me a kick start and start working again on my health. The first, though you might find it strange... I want to be chased by zombies!!

A friend of mine found this race and obstical course thingy and while you are running you have zombies chasing you! How cool is that? :) We found out late this year and the race day is the actual start of my vacation, I will be so exhausted to even try to walk that far. So now I'm trying to get into shape so that I can do it next year, FUN!!

My other motivation is my Irish Man. He actually does those sorts of races, in fact he's doing one the weekend before the zombie run. It has been interesting to learn about them and I wish I could go watch him, but I already have plans that weekend.

While he's gone training for his new job (we won't see each other for almost 10 weeks) I thought it would be fun to kick in some regular exercise and see how I'm doing at the end of that time. Okay is that the longest sentence or what?

I've come to realize that trying to exercise after work does not work that well for me. So last week I started getting up a little earlier. Twice last week I got up early enough to be able to hop on my treadmill for a little while. I do also have a couple weights and I do some work on my arms while I'm walking.

I know that the treadmill is not enough, but its a god start. Sometime after my sister moves down I might join Curves and go workout with her. We'll see though because I don't know how well I can afford it.

I know another area I need to work on is what I actually eat. I've got so much going these two months that I'm just going to take it one day at a time, if I can. I'm just focused on getting some regular exercise in, that's my goal for the next 8 weeks.

Bible Reading...

2011-09-08T08:25:00.001-05:00

So I'm on day 30 of reading a little bit of the Bible everyday. I had a little bit of a problem this past weekend as I was up north in backwoods Wisconsin and didn't have a signal. I guess when I'm up there I'll have to skip a few days and play catch up when I get home. No big deal so long as I actually do it.

I don't read ahead, even though sometimes I really want to. Some of the stories get pretty good and I want to sit and devour the whole thing... I find it's better to just read what I'm supposed to that day and stick to the plan.

I do have to say that I'm understanding a bit where or how people might get confused about what the Bible says... take the book of Genesis and the stories about Jacob... and his FOUR wives! Yep four of em... dude if that was all I read of the Bible I'd think polygamy was okay. Thankfully I do know that there is a lot more to the Bible and not to just take that part and walk away with that sort of thinking.

But now I can see where some of the religions that believe polygamy is okay can think it's okay. I know there is a lot more to their beliefs and other reasons as well for their thinking, but that is one little glimpse as to why.

I also wonder why, oh why, the people who sat down and put the Bible together, put in all the genealogy stuff the way they did? Some books out there, when there are a lot of people involved in the story and the author knows you might have a difficult time keeping them all sorted out, they put a key, or chart, or list, or some sort of reference at the start of the book to let you know who belongs to who and how they are organized. The Clan of the Cave Bear books do this, the last part of Breaking Dawn does this, and I believe some of the LOTR books do this? Or at least I believe The Hobbit book did?

Why, oh why, couldn't they have they done that for all the people in the Bible? Sometimes when I get to those parts I get a little cross eyed. I try to read through them as fast as possible... though I am now thinking of looking for or trying to find a poster or chart or something with all that kind of info on it. It might help my eyesight if I do, being cross eyed makes me a little silly :)

ack!!!

2011-09-05T21:50:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna drive myself nuts, I know I am :( I keep trying to tell myself not to think, don't think, don't worry, to just stop being me!

I don't know where this me came from, I never used to be like this. One seriously bad relationship and I'm forever messed up. How unfair! I question everything now, I have no trust at all. Ugh! I hate this, I hate being like this, I hate it! I so need to figure out how to get beyond this.

Mostly I need to be able to trust myself again, trust my gut, trust my intuition. If I can't even trust myself how do I trust someone else?

Yep... driving myself nuts :(

Missing my Irish Man...

2011-09-05T06:40:00.000-05:00

Jet Plane

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

How to move on?

2011-09-04T11:15:00.000-05:00

How does one not let past relationships affect future ones? This is something I've been struggling with the past couple of week. I said it in my Twitter, if everything in life went as planned than it wouldn't be as interesting as it is. Sometimes though you wish life wasn't as complicated as it is.

I have no reason to distrust Irish Man, I have no reason to be paranoid, or worried, or any sort of negative emotions towards him... but due to my past expierences I can't help some of the emotions I'm feeling. It's not logical to have these feelings but they can be difficult to ignore.

Irish Man is one of the best guys that I have met in a very long time. He's kind, sweet, generous, determined, comes over and gives me hugs, just holds me in his arms close to him, when we're sitting watching a show or movie I'll be cuddled in his arms and he often kisses the top of my head... we talk, we laugh, we're goofy, he... doesn't mind my cats :) I have yet to meet his dog...

Last time we were together he was so worried, and stressed, and nervous about this training away from MN... I told him that I would be here for him still, he said he wasn't worried about that... just hated to think of the time apart, what we'll miss in that time apart. As sucky as it is, I still think it will do us some good.

He is such a wonderful man, so far as I know, and I have no reason to worry... and yet I can't stop myself. This is not his problem, this is not something he deserves... it is something I need to work through, something I need to figure out... and something I hope he undstands about me.

I don't want my past issues to cause problems in this or any future relationship. I want to be the best person I can be. I was stressing and fretting this past week, Irish Man didn't leave as scheduled due to weather issues. So he's leaving this week. He also had some back family news last week and was having to work on that with his extended family. Even though he was here another week we didn't get to see each other. Both of us so busy with very little free time.

We were both sad about that, but he said that he's looking forward to getting this training over with so that he can move onto the next part... and us... So far everything I know about him is wonderful... and it just seems so strange to have that, that there actually can be someone wonderful out there for me.

After everything I've delt with in the past five years and after the attempted and failed relationships I've had in the past year or so... it sometimes feel like I don't 'deserve' something good to happen.

I had a great conversation with my mom yesterday... I'm going to look into a couple of things but I think I'm going to go back into therapy for a lil while. Talk thingss over and try not to let my past get in the way...

The Next 6 Days

2011-08-28T20:05:00.002-05:00

It has been a very long time since I've written anything about church, I still go quite often and I still work in the toddler room about once a month, I still listen to worship music... but, for me, something has been missing. A lot has changed in the last month, a very big month of change, and I realized that I have not connected with God, I've stepped away from my relationship with Him.

I've been working on building that relationship up again with Him and as goofy as it sounds I do attribute some, only a small amount, of this to my new phone. When I got it I asked some of my church friends of a good Bible app for my phone, and they suggested a great one! This app has a variety of Bible reading plans, including one to read the Bible in a year. I've started that one, as soon as I figured out how to adjust the dates, and am 19 days strong in reading.

Okay, ramble much do I? Since around the start of the month, or there abouts, I have been really excited for attending church and being there for the sermons and just connecting better with God. What do you know, the first ones I can really attend are The Next 6 Days and how... okay not how, but why? or... well to me it was about connecting better with God and trying to do it more than just on Sundays. I don't think I'll ever forget 'booty, God, booty', talk about an interesting illustration!

This is something I've wondered about and thought about ever since I started going to church. How do I fit God into my everyday life... and shouldn't it be more than 'fitting' Him in somewhere? Shouldn't we all be living with God in the foremost of our mind, in every movement and every action of every moment? Okay I get exhausted just thinking about trying to do that. Wouldn't it be wonderful if having God at the front of everything we do was apart of our autonomic nervous system? That it would just always be that way and we wouldn't have to think about it?

*whines* I don't want to think about doing things God's way, I just want to do them without thinking about it, just be good all the time like I'm supposed to *end whine* (wait can I do a /whine and /end whine with that? yes I wrote in html once upon a time, not very well but still, oh and I can't make the < > show up, blah!)

The verse that was talked about was John 15:4 KJV (whips out handy dandy new phone to quote it correctly:) "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me." Or according to the NLT "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me." Dude have I yet mentioned I love this phone? The key word was abide, or I suppose remain. Be with God and he will always be with you, but if you stray or wander from Him than He cannot be with you.

Trust your life with the Lord, let Him guide you and direct you, let Him be your light in the dark, be faithful, be there with Him... when you try to do things and live life outside of Him, well everything goes to heck in a hand basket! (example the past year of my life, well not the whole year but still plenty of it) I found the path and got distracted by something that looked shiny, but was really tarnished and rusted, and it took me a while to get back onto the path again. Hello! Love this thing called life! oh and freewill with it, sheesh.

I said it... today I believe? It's somewhere over in my Twitter feed... If everything in life went as planned than it wouldn't be as interesting as it is. Aw doesn't that sound all philosophical and smart! I astound myself sometimes. Anyways... no I don't ramble much, at all! :)

So what do you do? How do you do this? How do you have God in everything that you do? Think? Feel? Oye that's getting to be a little much ain't it? It's that blind trust and faith thing that gets me. (control freak that I am it's no wonder!) What to do? How to do? (someone please find my point before I ramble on for another umpteen paragraphs) (oh, and disable my parentheses)

Well as I mentioned way back the start of this, I think, I'm not scrolling up dang it! With my handy dandy new phone I've been doing a read the Bible in a year plan thingy. This is awesome because this was one of my goals when I started church. I mean hello, shouldn't you have read the Bible at least once if you're going to attend church? (this way I don't have a blank look on my face when someone mentions something from the Bible, see it's really all about me :)

So I'm reading a bit of the Bible everyday, I haven't missed a day since I started. I do recall someone once telling me that it takes at least 4 weeks for a new habit to form and to stick, so here's hoping. The church I attend is offering a variety of Bible study classes... alas with my crazy and hectic schedule for Sept and Oct I feel I would miss too many days and I wouldn't want to hold back the class. I am joining one and yay me already missed the first night! *rolls eyes* that think called Life again...

random though: I wonder if God had much, if anything, to do with the game called Life? Okay random done... maybe...

Have I babbled myself into non-existence yet?

I am attending church with a renewed vigor... is that okay to say? Sounds a little strange to me, oh well. I'm seeing, trying, thinking... wondering if Irish Man will be joining me eventually? We'll see, no pressure.

There are times in our life when we start to feel that reconnecting with God and when that happens it sometimes seems like the sermon was written just for you... that's how I've felt these past two Sundays. That somehow God saw what was in my heart and in my head and smacked the Pastor upside the head with it and said "Here! Say this! This is what she needs to hear right now, oh and by the way thanks!" Oh the images that pop into my head at any given moment :)

Which reminds me, the pastor was using an illustration of smacking into the side of a mountain, can't remember the exact thing he was talking about, only that it reminded me of Wile E. Coyote when he's chase the Road Runner and would end smacking into the side of a mountain or cliff. I was thoroughly distracted by that image. I'll have to go back and listen again so that I can better grasp what he was trying to say instead of wanting to say "beep beep" and stick my tongue out and run away.

Well I don't know if I have entertained anyone else but I sure do get a chuckle out me :)

ps really there is more to this, I'm just too babbly right now to be of much use, perhaps more later this week.

Three weeks part 2

2011-08-25T10:22:00.002-05:00

So last night my Irish Man and I went to the grocery store, I was desperate for something to cook for dinner. As we were bagging the groceries, actually he was (have I mentioned how awesome he is like that?), an older gentleman was next to us bagging his purchase.

I can't remember what we were talking about but the gentleman spoke up and told Irish Man to just give in, women are always right, just nod his head and go with the flow, he's been married many years (I can't remember how many he said) and trust him on this.

Irish Man was good natured and joked around with the guy and I just hung back laughing. How hilarious is it that we were told this when we've only been together for three weeks? Do we look that settled together already?

If was nice to think that might be so but I'm nog quite sure if I'm ready for it. I still want a little time to myself before I completely settle down. Heck I just "lost 250+" pounds, I want a lil time to get used to that. This us why I think it's not a bad thing to have this time apart.

That's all for now :)

Three Weeks

2011-08-24T10:04:00.001-05:00

Forgive me for I'm blogging via my phone and typos are a common occurrence.

Later this evening it will be three weeks from when my Irish Man and I first started emailing and getting to know each other. It has been a whirlwind and much has happened.

I'm alone in my apartment now, which I love, and he has a brand new job... which is taking him away from me for 8 weeks. I'm sure I've mentioned that before but I have a tendancy to repeat myself.

I'm so happy for him that he got this job, but I'm a little sad that we will have this time apart. I do think, that overall, it will be a good thing. I'm going to be crazy busy while he is gone and our time would have been limited anyways.

I also think it's a good thing as it forces is to go slow, slower than we might have if we didn't have this separation. I feel like it will give us a chance to get to know each other better, in a way that might not have been possible.

There is talk of my possibly going to visit him for a weekend, I don't think we'll have that figured out until after he gets there. I do hope it is possible, it would be fun and again, a way to learn more about each other that we might have gotten to for a while.

Time will tell and God will lead us in the right direction.

I am feeling so blessed in my life

2011-08-21T23:15:00.001-05:00

Okay long title but so be it. This has been a month of change and growth and new things. Okay, sounds really strange but I think it kinda started with my new phone, have I mentioned how much I love my new phone? A little review...

Okay with my new phone I've downloaded an app for the Bible... which has reading plans... and I'm doing one for reading the entire Bible in a year. This is so awesome for me! It's something I've wanted to do since I started going to church but haven't had the discipline to do.

I've been tracking some health concerns of mine with another app on my phone. I was getting a little concerned as it wasn't tracking the way I wanted, but then today it all switched around so it's all good :)

In tracking some of these health things I've realized that since the start of the year I've now lost 20 pounds. That was a pretty cool realization. I'm focused and motivated to continue to live healthier and I'm excited to see where I am at the end of the year.

This weekend I got to go shopping with my sister and spent some quality time with her. We went out to lunch, went to a few different stores, and we went to Squishy's apt to look around. She's moving down here soon and wanted to look at a few apartments. She liked the place he lives so maybe she'll move in there? There is a contingency plan of her maybe moving in with me for a little while.

I've been super cleaning and moving things around, getting my place back into some semblance of order. It's nice to be a little less crowded and to be able to organize better. I've been trying not to go overboard in case my sister does have to move in for a little while. We'll see how long that lasts.

My Irish Man got to spend a few days with me. It was so nice to have him here. I wish he could have stayed longer but we both had things to do and life doesn't stop. We weren't able to get back together this weekend, I'm kinda sad about that. But we text everyday and it's just been so wonderful to have him in my life.

There is a lot coming up in the next few weeks as well. In a week my Irish Man leaving for training for his new job, he will be gone for 8 weeks. Neither of us is really looking forward to this but it comes with the new job. I'm not sure what or how this might affect things between us, I'm committed to this though. I very much so want to see where this goes. He did mention about possibly flying me out to visit him during his training, I'm hoping that this actually does happen.

So much in the next couple of weeks and couple of months... I'm looking forward to it all and yet just hoping it was all over with at the same time.

Anywho, guess I should get some sleep, lots of busy days ahead...

expiration date

2011-08-21T14:45:00.000-05:00

It was recently determined that my roomie and I, Mahna, had gone beyond our expiration date. Life and stress took a toll on me and directed itself at him. Poor chap, poor his girlfriend. I asked him to move out a month sooner that was planned, he complied. I am so very thankful he did!

He has not even been gone 24 hours and my life just feels so much more... stable, settled, calm, pleasant. From the moment we talked about it a weight started slowly lifting from my shoulders and when he was finally, completely gone yesterday the weight was totally gone. I don't anticipate ever talking with him again, and he feels the same way. Our friendship has run its course and in order for both of us to move on and move forward we needed to part.

It was stressful, not an easy night when we talked about it. I won't deny that it hurt, I cried, he was sad, but we love and hate each other to the point that we can't do anything else.

In keeping myself separate from him, his life, what he needed to do... I didn't help him one minute in him moving out. Okay well maybe I helped for 5 minutes, but that was it. I had my own cleaning and re-arranging of things here, did some laundry, and then in the afternoon I had plans with my sister. That and I've helped him move 2 times before and I was the only one who helped him, I wasn't getting sucked into that again.

At one point, when the girlfriend was taking stuff out and I was bringing clean laundry back in... I saw the situation and all I could do was laugh. I've been in her shoes, a couple of times... and she simply has no clue... all I could do was laugh, it was difficult to keep it in too!

In our low moments on Tuesday when we talked, he said he pitied me... That's his choice, he can feel anyway he wants... me? I don't pity him, I pity her! LOL All I can do is laugh, time will tell and time will learn and time will show the way.

I loved him, I hated him, he was a best friend, we talked about many things, we shared many moments... but it has run its course...

I have my life back again :)

My Irish Man

2011-08-19T07:45:00.001-05:00

Where to begin?!

He is now spending his third weekend in a row with me. He told me his father commented on that, saying that he must really like me :)

He is kind, caring, a gentleman, gracious and generous, does the dishes AND makes the bed :) He is determined, motivated, has goals and plans and actually works towards them.

He enjoys my cats and he has a dog.

He just got a new job and will be leaving next week to train for eight weeks on the east coast. Just when he gets back I will be leaving for my vacation on the east coast. He was thinking about flying me out for a visit during his training, I'm not opposed to this.

So much more but still so new...

so very happy

2011-08-19T07:25:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how happy I am right now. Life is a roller coaster but right now, I'm enjoying the ride. Roomie is moving out this weekend, we passed our expiration date and neither of us could wait the additional month that we had previously planned on. We both needed to move on and just be done with each other. It didn't end all that well, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that it's over, so very long overdue.

The Rendezvous is next month, I'm panicked and stressed and so much to do and just no idea how or when or what or just AGH!! I'm looking forward to it but I'm also looking forward to it being over. I've learned a lot in this last year, and if granted the chance to be in charge again next year I have so many more ideas. Hopefully things will run a little smoother next year.

October is fast filling up with various birthday plans. I've got Ren Fest with some friends, a scrapbook retreat with other friends, a vacation to PA, the release of Red State, and... possibly another trip out east :)

The best news... not even best, just most important... well whatever kind of news it is, is my Irish Man. Yep that's pretty much what his nickname has ended up being. At least that is what I keep calling him on FB. I'll have to write more about him later, I'm just too smiley and feel like holding all the goodness inside for a lil while.

Coolest phone ever!

2011-08-16T08:38:00.001-05:00

I am so in love with my phone! For someone who is generally organized this only makes it easier and more fun. I've got a way to track my auto records, personal health items, I could track my diet if I wanted, exercise routine (if I had one), and so much more... all at my fingertips!

It's so ridiculously cool I can't even say :)

and as I've mentioned before I can even blog from my phone :p

Oh! and I'm reading the Bible on my phone too!

Okay, so it might be time to gush a lil bit

2011-08-14T19:25:00.000-05:00

I don't know if I can hold it in much longer, I try to keep a level head and not get too excited or count too much on things... but I can't help it :)

So on Wednesday Aug 3rd I started emailing with a guy from online. Mostly casual, the usual getting to know each other stuff. And then very late on 4th, or actually very early on the 5th, about 2am I texted him out of the blue when I woke up randomly in the middle of the night. We texted for an hour or so, maybe 2 hours actually? We finally said goodnight and then 15 minutes later he asked me out on a date for the weekend, Saturday night actually. I couldn't help it, I said yes without even thinking about it :)

Okay so Saturday through out the day didn't go all that well. I made a comment about something he said and after that he wanted to reschedule. We finally talked through it and met 90 minutes after we originally planned. We had a great time, a really great time. We talked, watched movies, played Mario, and stayed up until 2am. He rubbed my shoulders, was a gentleman at every moment, talked and asked questions, was silly, great to snuggle with and a darn fine kisser :)

We talked about church a little bit, he grew up Catholic and still goes to church. He asked if I would like him to come with me the next morning and I said yes. Of any of the guys I've met since starting to go to church he is the first one to ask he could come with me, actually showed an interest. Other's I've always had to ask them and only 1 ever came. This guy actually volunteered to come with me!

Of course the next morning he was a little too tired and I wouldn't badger anyone to come with me. After church we hung out for a couple more hours and then he finally had to go home. We texted through the week and then on Wednesday Aug 10th he asked about spending the weekend together again. Okay, school girl reaction but again, I can't help it! I like him, he's different than other guys I've met. He's motivated, determined, knows what he wants, has plans and goals and is constantly working towards them. He talks, he listens, he's funny (that or I'm just easily amused), he plays the guitar, he likes all sorts of music and movies, he's just so different but there are similar interests.

So he spent this weekend with me. We met up around 6pm on Friday night, watched movies, played games, talked, did whatever. On Saturday it was much of the same, though I did have to go to the grocery store about 3 times, he came with me once. We talked while I cooked dinner, it was such a nice change, just so nice to have someone to chat with. We went swimming late last night, sat in the hot tub for a while, came back and sat out on the patio and talked some more.

This morning I went to church again alone, but this time with good reason. I was working in one of the kid rooms, the toddlers actually, so he would have had to sit through the service alone. He's hoping for some good news this coming week and if so we're going to go out to celebrate. Not sure when or where or how, but we will. I'm not sure how this next weekend will go, I've got a few plans and I want to see him and somehow I'll make it all work.

We're both pretty busy, the next two months are going to be insane, both of us with so many plans already... but I have faith... Somehow we will find the time to be together :) I'm very much so looking forward to getting to know him better and learning more about him. I gotta tell ya, so far I'm really liking what I'm learning :)

A new Squishy?

2011-08-09T17:55:00.001-05:00

So this may be a little early, or it might not. I had a date this past weekend. It didn't go exactly as we first planned, but I think it was better than planned. I'm not going into details... yet... This post is more about the fact that I have to come up with a new nickname. Squishy was such a great name to use to describe a guy I'm dating, but Squishy turned out not to be so Squishy. This guy, well... who knows, maybe there will be something, or maybe I'll have nothing else to write about, but eventually I will need a new nickname for whomever I date next. Hm... oh the thinks we think. :)

Coolest thing ever!

2011-08-09T10:36:00.002-05:00

I got a brand new smart phone for FREE and now I can blog from my phone!! That is the coolest thing ever! :)

lol not any less worried

2011-08-07T18:55:00.000-05:00

Just asked roomie a question. I asked how he's feeling about his upcoming move. He's neither excited or not excited, he's feeling "meh" and indifferent. I had to ask if this is how he usually feels about moving in with a significant other. I'm not trying to judge or worry or whatever, but it's me, and he knows my concerns. He said that he has so much other stuff going and that is more important than this. I told him that he hasn't lessened my concerns at all.

I just don't know what to think of him. He is a great and wonderful guy, but like everyone on the planet he has his faults. I don't know if he's stringing me along or his gf? I just hope he keeps a level head and that no one gets hurt.

On other news we still have plans for Ren Fest :) I can't wait to go!

the funny thing...

2011-08-05T10:15:00.006-05:00

well at least I find it amusing. Some people think that anything I write about my roomie isn't the truth. I will admit that my views and opinions are skewed and biased due to my relationship with him and the things I've experienced with him... but I have no reason to lie at all. In fact it's a greater risk to me to tell the truth than it is to lie.

I have everything to lose and nothing to gain. Nothing I say or do will change the relationship with my roomie, we've tried multiple times to be more than we are and it simply just does not work for us, at least not in the long run. We've finally been successful in having a fairly stable relationship and even living together, why on earth would I risk that? The only reason would be due to very serious concerns I have about his happiness and the happiness of his kids.

Granted these are not much of my business, except for the fact that they are and always will be part of and in my life. Not a major part, but still a part. My roomie is my best friend, I love all of his kids, and I enjoy spending time with all of his kids. What do I have to lose? Everything! By telling the truth I risk losing him and his kids from my life. Why would I say something that wasn't true that would risk that?

Nope, sorry, not lying, not being vindictive, not trying to 'get him back', not doing anything of the sort. If you can't deal with it than don't read this blog. If you're wondering what I'm talking about... well you'll have to keep wondering. This is MY blog to express MY thoughts and feelings and emotions and opinions. You don't have to believe me, no one does, but I'm not lying, and I don't lie, I don't even say "I'm fine" when someone asks how I'm doing.

Clark Kent

2011-08-03T20:25:00.000-05:00

Okay, so the deal with my mentioning Clark Kent every now and then. There is a guy who started to work in my building earlier this summer. The first time I saw him he reminded me of the charaictor Clark Kent, but with blonde hair, very blonde hair. Maybe I'm easily amused or maybe I just need a little more entertainment at work. I'm just very amused everytime I see him.

Then there was the day that he showed up in a pink button down shirt, oh I couldn't stop giggling that day! Everytime I saw him I couldn't help but smile and giggle. The best part is that I tweeted that Clark Kent was wearing a pink shirt and another friend who works in the same building was also wearing a pink shirt! For a few moments he thought was talking about him. He even popped over to my desk and did a "ta da" sort of move.

A couple times in the past few weeks Clark Kent has shown up dressed up with dark slacks and a black shirt... reminds me of a Johnny Cash roadie... so now when he dresses like that I refer to him as Johnny Cash.

Okay so I'm very easily amused :) It just makes me laugh and giggle and feel like an idiot, I shouldn't be making up these stories in my head but oh well. I wonder what will happen if I ever actually have to work with him directly? I hope I don't accidently call him Clark! LOL

can't help but worry

2011-08-03T00:00:00.002-05:00

Have you ever been in a position where you see someone making a decision that you think is a mistake but are helpless to stop it? You can only express your concerns but it's still up to them to do whatever they are going to do...

I suppose I'm having a bit of deja vu, the last time a friend of mine did something that I thought might be a mistake... well we haven't talked again. I simply don't know what to do.

If my roomie is happy than I truly am happy for him... but nothing in what he says, does, acts, or indicates to me makes me think that his recent decision to move out is really in his and his boys best interest. He says "It's something I should try". I asked him if this was something he really wanted to do or if it was just something that was negotiated, he couldn't answer it, he said he doesn't know.

I asked if he was madly, truly, deeply in love and he said no. I asked if he thought he wanted to spend the rest of his life like this and again he said no. And yet he's putting his kids at risk? In all the years I've known him he's never put his kids at risk, this is totally not like him.

I won't deny that I'm biased, that there is a small bit of jealousy in this, but its a very small part. I know my roomie pretty darn well and he's not acting like himself. This may be a good thing, but I see no passion in him for this step he's taking.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't know what is best for him, but I'm pretty sure that this isn't it. Not in the long run, I have a feeling that those involved will only get hurt, and unfortunately it involves kids. I'm just worried, really worried, but there isn't anything I can do.

A few questions have been answered. We're going to have a geek time sometime in October for my birthday, he's promised that. Also he and I are still doing something with his youngest for his bday this week. And we're also keeping to our Ren Fest tradition with his second oldest. I'm keeping his pictures so that I can do his scrapbook for him. I'm also seeing if I can hold onto the blanket I made for him, just hold onto it for him, and this way he can always have a blanket to use when he comes over :)

At this time all I can do it sit back and watch and wait to see how it all plays out. All I can hope for is that no one gets hurt, especially the kids.

Lord please help my roomie, please watch over him as he makes this transition in his life, Father please help him keep his needs and the needs of his kids first in these decisions, watch over them and care for them and steady them when they stumble and pick them up when they fall. Jesus please help them to make the best decisions for them, what they need to grow as a family. Heavenly Spirit please come into their lives and remind my roomie that you are there for him, Lord please watch over them and protect them.

The End of an Era...

2011-07-31T22:05:00.000-05:00

seriously?

2011-07-29T17:30:00.002-05:00

Okay, yes I'm going to complain about this cuz seriously?! After just having a talk earlier this week with roomie about the 'drama' going on with his gf and the different things we're hearing from him... well I explained to him, in a way that he understands even, why I'm having some of the reactions and feelings about his gf.

Basically, I have no interest or concern about her beyond the fact that she is my roomies gf. I'm sure she's a nice person, but my loyalty is to my roomie and being friends with her could jeopardize that, or place their relationship in danger. Whatever.

But after all this talk with him, out of nowhere, today I get a friend request from her oldest daughter! Really? Seriously? No joke?

*rolls eyes* oh yeah something is fishy about that whole thing, even roomie thought so when I asked him about it. I don't want to be in the middle and this is just getting worse and I can wait until things settle down again, sheesh!

adult vs child

2011-07-28T09:45:00.000-05:00

We often hear parents tell their kids that if they want to be treated like an adult than they need to act like an adult. I see this same thing with adult friends. If they want to be treated like a responsible adult than they need to be a responsible adult. If you treat others with disrespect how can you expect to be treated with respect? The golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you... but damn it sucks when you treat others with a respect and courtesy that you hope to be treated with... and they don't? Argh!!!

Lord grant me the patience to deal with these situations as they come up and help me be mindful of my own actions and reactions. Lord help these people to have better manners and respect towards others, help them to treat others as they wish to be treated, not the way they actually treat them.

Surprise!

2011-07-25T16:10:00.005-05:00

Quick preview...

Okay so to make a not so long story much longer...

A few years ago I used to be quite active with helping with "Denim Day" at work to help raise money for breast cancer. I got on bad terms with the person in charge, my boss, and fell away from helping out. I had accumulated a bunch of stuff for this event, balloons, streamers, things to give away, bracelets to sell, etc. I didn't know what to do with it, my boss had left, no one has really taken over, I didn't want to give it to good will or sell at a garage sale. I wanted it to help someone else.

Well my coworkers niece is helping to raise money for a friend of hers that is fighting breast cancer. I gave most of the stuff to my coworker to give to her niece to help her out. Well it seems this past weekend there was one of the events to help raise money and my coworker attended, and she got me that wonderful basket full of scrapbooking stuff, for me!

I was just so shocked and surprised and couldn't wait to get home to tear into it to see what it has! :)

A few hours later I finally opened up the whole basket and oh my goodness look at it all! I'm so going to need help from my scrapping friends to figure out how to use it all! :)

in the middle

2011-07-24T22:05:00.000-05:00

neither someplace I want to be nor a place I like to be, and yet here I am... almost but not quite in the middle. I'm doing my best to stay out but sometimes others draw you in. I've been in this middle place once before and it didn't end well :( I've lost a good friend and 10 years invested in a relationship.

I love my roomie, I honestly do. We have had some good highs and some very low and very bad lows, somehow we've made it through all of that and have been the best we've ever been... until now.

Truly believe me when I say I want him to be happy. I'm almost 100% sure that it can't be with me, but like roomie says, never say never. I don't hold out for that chance, I'm just pleased as punch that we have been able to go this long and still be okay, no big blow ups, talk out our problems and frustrations, work through things to a solution we can both be happy with.

With having him as a roomie there have been some things that I have had to accept in my life and adjust for. One is having his kids around, but then I love his kids so thats not a long stretch. There is talk about 1 of them moving in with us, it will be tight but it is doable. Whatever is best for his kids is what matters. We talk about it now and then but mostly we will worry about it when something like that gets closer to happening.

The area that I'm not the best with is his girlfriend. I have nothing against her, I can't I don't know her, but thats the thing, I don't want to know her. I'd met her a couple of times as they met through his school and she was helping him with homework. She didn't come by for a very long time and then he was involved with someone else. Then she popped up again. Requested to be my friend on FB, I talked with roomie about it first, expressed my concerns, and then accepted the request. Just as I feared as soon as I did she started talking about meeting sometime for lunch or coffee or something just hanging out and getting to know each other.

I did my best to avoid the topic, we talked about a couple other things, turns out she didn't realize the depth of the relationship I have/had with roomie and I filled her in a lil bit, only a tiny bit. They she said something about being glad that I was okay with her and roomie dating, I was shocked at this as roomie had said NOTHING to be about it at all... and my concerns rose even higher. Had to have a quick talk with roomie to figure out what was going on, needed to know so that I didn't mess things up for anyone, say more than I should, say something I shouldn't.

He was just as shocked as I was!

So many times I find it that way with roomie. Often his actions so always match his words. This is where he and I had many problems so whenever I come across it now I try to be sure of what is really going on.

The reason I did not want to become friends with his girlfriend is due to two things. The first being is that I'm a very loyal person, I don't often betray a friendship. I'm great at keeping secrets, don't often contribute to gossip, and don't talk about people behind their backs. The second thing is that I try very hard to be an honest person, it's to the point that I now have a difficult time trying to lie to anyone anymore. If his girlfriend asked me questions I would be stuck between being loyal to one of my best friends and being true to myself and being honest.

I don't want to do anything to jeopardize his relationship and if she had a discussion with me she might hear a different side of him than what she knows. I admit my view is biased and colored by my history with him, but still. It hasn't been all roses and I will layout every smelly detail if asked.

She and I had a little skirmish of sorts. She had something on her FB that was in total contradiction to what roomie has been telling me. I asked him and he said the same as always. I then asked her, in order to get both sides of the story and try to find the truth in the middle. She totally read into it the complete wrong way. *rolls eyes*

I don't care what they do, what they talk about, what they plan, or anything, unless it might affect my life. I don't deny that at times I can be jealous, but that has nothing to do with her. Roomie and my relationship is a long and complicated one, there is no trying to understand us.

Don't try to understand...

2011-07-15T21:30:00.001-05:00

It's the best thing I can say. There is no understanding Mahna and I, we just are. Don't ask us to explain our relationship, we can't even explain it to ourselves.

I've been thinking about the word soul mate for a couple days now. Recently there was an advice column about this very topic and it kind of hit home. I looked up the definition of soul mate and here is what I found...

According to the American Heritage Dictionary it is "One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity."

According to Webster it is "a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament" and "a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs."

Somehow this seems to perfectly describe Mahna and me. Soul mate doesn't have to mean a romantic relationship, it just means two people who are meant to be in each other's lives. Also kind of like kindred spirits, a nice old phrase I get from Anne of Green Gables :)

Our relationship also kind of reminds me of the one between Bella and Jacob in the Twilight books. Bella knew somehow, deep down, that Jacob was meant to be in her life somehow, an important part of her life, they just kinda got it wrong at first. Once things settled into the right place it was all good. Again reminds me of Mahna and I.

Mahna and I have worked so very long and so very hard at our relationship to get it to the point we're at. We're finally in a good place, no more blow ups, as far as I know no more lying, we can talk about nearly anything and everything, we're the best friends we're meant to be.

Yes we live together, yes a lot of people see that as odd, heck even we see this as odd, but it works, somehow it works for us. Admittedly there are times when we wish we didn't live together, but for the most part we're happy this way. Yes there may be a negative impact on our romantic relationships, but whomever we date will have to deal with it. With one of us comes the other.

We've tried in the past not be in each others lives, we have gone months without talking or anything. Something eventually draws us back together and the moment we start talking again it's like we never stopped. We just can't be apart from each other.

It's been an interesting past 24 hours or so, things have... well they have just been interesting. We'll see how these dramas play out, what I do know is at the end of it Mahna and I will be just fine and we'll be the same as ever :)

Damn

2011-07-14T19:10:00.002-05:00

I opened a can of worms, shoot!

Ugh...

2011-07-12T21:25:00.000-05:00

thats all I have for now, just ugh! :(

A year...

2011-06-28T21:50:00.000-05:00

Yep I'm not blogging much. This simply means that either I'm really busy or else that stuff is going on that I don't really want to admit to or talk about :( Or it could be a little of both :)

What I wanted to talk about today is my roomie and the fact that it's basically been a year since we started living together. He started the job that brought him to my next of the woods a year ago this week, we tried living together the month of July, and he pretty much officially moved in during August. So even though it wasn't until about August or so, it is almost exactly a year ago that we started down this journey.

So strange to see how the year has passed and the ups and downs we've been through. Somehow we made it through, worked on our problems, and worked through them.

Thanks roomie for an interesting year. I won't ever forget it and here is hoping the future is a better one for us :)

le sigh...

2011-06-15T22:40:00.002-05:00

it's be a rough bit of time for me. I've feeling very blah and have a short fuse, crabby more often, just very ARGH!! I'm feeling very out of sorts and am not exactly sure what is wrong. Hell, I don't even know what to write either :(

letting go...

2011-06-04T21:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, so what some, or most people, might not know about me is that I was once engaged to be married. It was way back in 1999, can't believe how long ago that is! I was getting married for the wrong reasons, because I wanted to be married, not because I loved the guy. Thankfully I figured it out before the wedding, one month before the wedding, and we were able to cancel it without too much trouble. Really the only thing we had actually gotten done was the invitations and... the wedding dress. Yep the dress was all bought and paid for.

After the wedding was cancelled I still had the dress. I didn't know what to do with it, didn't know if I could sell it or not, didn't know if I would actually use it later or not, and so I kept it... for years, a little over a decade!

I've been thinking, wanting, trying to come up with what to do with it, basically how to get rid of it. Took up so much space in my closet and honestly, I wasn't that fond of it. I could have given it to a consignment shop, sold on ebay or craigslist, sell it somewhere else online... but I could just never actually do it. I think part of what help me back is that I'd have to take pictures of it which means possibly getting someone to put it on so I could take the pics. No it didn't fit anymore.

All of this sounded like a lot more work than I wanted to do. Well this spring an opportunity presented itself and I decided to take it. My church was having a garage sale to help raise money for upcoming mission trips. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate or somehow considered strange but I donated my wedding dress for the sale.

I dropped it off about a week before the sale. I have to say that it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I was, am, quite surprised at the emotions that it brought up. I don't know if by giving up the dress, letting it go, that it might have somehow been giving up on love in general? Like I'll never find someone?

It was a crazy strange day when I dropped it off. I'm glad I did it though... part of moving on and moving forward :)

done did it again :(

2011-06-04T01:40:00.000-05:00

I stuck my foot in my mouth again. I was texting a lil bit with a friend tonight and I think I said some stuff that might have upset her. I was being judgemental and I kind of let her know what I was thinking. It wasn't right, it wasn't nice, it wasn't fair... and I need to apologize to her.

I don't know that anyone tries to be judgemental, to automatically think that they are better than others, that we know how to do things better and that we would do it right. I don't believe that I try to be that way, I think it might be more that I simply don't understand they way they think and that I think and view things differently.

I can't know how I would really react or behave in the situation my friend is in. It's something I've never experienced and I might never experience.

Ugh I'm too tired to think anymore tonight... this morning... whatever! :)

haven you ever...

2011-06-01T21:20:00.000-05:00

have you ever gotten into an argument or started a fight and you're not sure why? Actually I can guess as to why but not sure if I really like the reason. I'm frustraited, annoyed, blah feeling, confused...

sleeping secrets

2011-05-29T21:25:00.000-05:00

So this evening I was sitting around with my mom and sister and we got to talking about things we used to do as kids in regards to sleeping.

I revealed that I used to think what when you were sleeping and you rolled over in your sleep that you did it in slow motion. Whenever I thought my parents were checking in on me when I was sleeping I would then roll over really slowly to try to convince them that I was sleeping :)

My sissy said that when she was a kid she thought you stopped breathing while you were sleeping. So when she was in preschool and it was nap time and she couldn't sleep she would hold her breath when the teachers would walk by.

My mom said when she was a kid and her mom sent her to her room for a nap and she did want to she would pretend to fall out of bed. A little while after going to bed she would literally roll off the bed and fall to the floor with a loud thump trying to get her mom to come up and check in her. When her mom didn't come up to check she would kick the floor really hard to again simulate falling out of bed. When she still didn't come up to check on her she would stop both feet really hard on the floor.

Mom was always puzzled why her mom never came up to check on her :)

It's funny the way you think when you're a kid :)

a lil of this and a lil of that...

2011-05-28T23:25:00.000-05:00

I haven't written a whole lot these past few weeks. There has been a lot going on, or at least a lot going on in my head. So a few highlights, or just random items, from what is in this brain of mine...

I might be getting a nanny type job later this year or at the start of next year. It is kind of a strange story. The person I would be a nanny for is actually my Midwife. It is not as strange as it might sound, I actually worked at that clinic for a couple of years before I started working at my current job. I've hung out with her a couple of times outside of the clinic and she has the most adorable daughter. Some changes are coming into her life and she'll be needing some help taking care of her daughter every now and then. There are still a lot of details that need to be worked out, but it is still something interesting to look forward to.

In the last month or so my bank has merged with another one. In researching into a few things with the new bank I noticed that the APR on the car loans are currently lower than on the one I have now. After a few phone calls I got the loan refinanced and it will now be paid off a little sooner, only by 3 or 4 months but it's still awesome. Less money out of my pocket and gets me out of debt just a little bit sooner.

I was supposed to go camping with my dad this weekend... well it didn't happen. He went to set up on Wednesday but the couldn't get into the camping field and when he was able to get a better look at it, there was already standing water in the field. When he got back home he looked at the weather reports and they all said rain for the whole weekend. Okay, he and I both love this camping, but it also seems kinda pointless to go camping when you know it's going to be all wet and cold and just not that great weather. So no camping for us :(

Much more on my mind but I'm sleepy... na night!

Shooting!

2011-05-22T21:20:00.000-05:00

i'm feeling

2011-05-15T17:05:00.001-05:00

i'm feeling the need to get away and just escape everything... too bad i always have to come back to reality...

Check Engine Light

2011-05-09T22:27:00.001-05:00

You would think with a blog title like "Check Engine Light" that this would be a deep and meaningful post, somehow a metaphor for life. Nope! My check engine light really did go off this morning on my way to work. I was really worried the whole way into work... but completely forgot about it through the day... right until I got in the car to go home... ah that light!

I went and got the oil changed as I thought that it might have something to do with it. They were able to do a diagnostic while I was there, for free, and it turns out that something was wrong with my gas tank...

Turns out when I filled up my gas tank on Friday I somehow didn't put the cap back on all the way... good grief! A simple check engine light gets me all crazy nuts worried and all it turns out to be is my gas cap isn't on all the way.

I'm so glad it wasn't anything else serious but geez, couldn't they just make a "goofy girl you didn't put the gas cap on all the way" light? That would have been so much better for my blonde head!

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T09:45:00.003-05:00

I have been lucky in my life to have two wonderful Mothers. I know I've written about them before but I need to find the lost and link it here.

I have something else to write about today...

This day is one of the more depressing days for me. Like any "Hallmark Holiday" there is typically a population that is forgotten or overlooked. To me Mother's Day is just another reminder that I don't yet have the family I want. It is just another reminder that my life is no where near what I expected it to be for my age. It is a reminder that I may never get to celebrate this day as each year ticks by without seeing the potential for having that family. Personally, I hate this day.

My mom, both of them, knows that I love her very much and I tell her very often. I tell her how grateful I am for her and for everything she and my father have done for me in my life. I recognize often that I would not be who I am without her, and for the most part I'm very happy with who I am.

Valentine's Day is the same way for me, just another reminder that I'm still single. New Year's Day isn't much better, the passing of another year still stuck in the same place I was the year before.

I simply ask you, on this day or other holidays where someone is not in the position to celebrate it, remember them and just let them know that you are also thinking of them.

New Tent!!

2011-05-07T21:40:00.001-05:00

So after all my troubles with getting my new tent I finally got a chance to set it up. Mostly just to set it up for the first time and to get an idea of how the heck I'm supposed to put it up. Oh my it is so WHITE and so CLEAN! I need to dirty it up a little bit :)

Enjoy the pics!

it will never be this small or this clean ever again!

tent, poles, and stake box!

stake box has stakes, hammer, rope, and tools. this also serves as my night stand when I'm camping :)

new tent all set up!

another view, I ordered a 10 x 10 bell but it turns out to be a 10 x 9 bell

Inside view looking at the back of the bell

the bell

looking out the front from inside the back

outside of the bell/back

me and my new tent :)

misc. romance

2011-05-05T20:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, if anyone doesn't know this already I meet most guys from online. My roomie is one, Squishy is another, and most of the last few guys I've dated... okay so maybe this isn't the right way to meet guys? Alright I've lost track of the point of this post.

Okay so my point is about what gets me to respond to a profile and start a conversation with someone. Interesting note, I did not contact Squishy first, he contacted me.

Anywho...

So one guy I started talking with, well I wasn't really looking to meet up with him or date him. I just wanted to compliment on his profile as he made mention that he no longer can have kids, snip snip! I appreciated him putting that on there and letting us (women) know. For me it was helpful because it wasn't a question I would have to ask later. We kinda hung out for a few months but of course it would never work out since I want kids and he couldn't have anymore.

So another guy, it's rather funny. His profile was asking sort of a strange question. I sent him a message trying to answer his question and it developed into an interesting conversation. Of course like most men... ah well... slow conversations, mixed signals, who knows... dating is so not fun :(

Ack!

2011-05-02T20:20:00.002-05:00

So wrapped up in my own lil world that I nearly forgot that I was supposed to start being more active tonight... I didn't forget tho :)

I spent about 25 minutes walking on the treadmill tonight.

I'm glad that I did remember :)

tent issues

2011-05-01T16:00:00.002-05:00

So at the end of the 'vous last year I decided that I needed to get a new tent. The one I have is really easy for one person to put up but since the main pole was so long I could never transport it with my car. Due to this reason my parents always brought my pole for camping. If I got a new and sort of smaller tent than maybe I could go to a 'vous on my own.

I sold my old tent at the end of the 'vous last year so right now, at this moment, I am tentless.

I ordered my new text at the end of Feb and they said it would take 4 to 6 weeks. This past Monday it was week 7 and I hadn't seen or heard anything about it so I called. Turns out they shipped it on March 4th and someone in my rental office signed for it on March 7th... it's been sitting in the dang rental office for 7 weeks!!! As I placed the order over the phone I didn't have any sort of tracking or shipping number and as they said it would take 4 to 6 weeks I didn't even think it would show up a week after I ordered it.

I mentioned it to the rental office that it had been sitting there for 7 weeks and all they said is that they don't keep track of deliveries. Especially since it was put in part of the office that they don't see or look at all that often. I find this ridiculous as the last time I had a package that sat down there for a month they called me to let me know. Maybe they need to figure out some better process so people aren't waiting for 7 weeks when they don't need to! (yeah I'm just a wee bit crabby at my rental office at the moment)

This weekend I brought my tent up to my parents house as my dad and I needed to work on the poles for my tent. We couldn't really work on them before without having the tent as we need to kind of fit everything together. Well we get 2 of the poles started and then went to work on the ridgepole. The ridgepole does need to be in 2 pieces so that it can fit into my car. We got the split all taken care of but then needed to measure the tent to figure out the overall length...

Mom and I spread it out on the workroom floor and measured the top... it's a foot short!!! We measured the width and it's also a foot short!! I ordered a 10 by 10 and they sent me a 9 by 9! I'm so pissed for so many reasons. This is just NOT working out right now :(

If the rental office had told me when it came it I would have discovered this mistake so much sooner and this part would be all over with already. Now I have concerns that I won't make it to camping with my dad at the end of May for fear I won't have the correct tent by then :(

I left them a message today when we discovered the mistake. Hopefully they will call me back tomorrow and we can get it all figured out. I don't know how this will end, hopefully good and hopefully I'll get to camp with my dad at the end of the month.

interesting observation...

2011-04-29T23:35:00.000-05:00

So in the last month various people have made some strange observations about me...

it seems I am selfish, self centered, crave pity attention, and my standards are too high.

I'm sorry but what?!

All I can think is that these people just have no clue who I am at all. I trust my close friends and trust them to tell me the truth. I tell them of these observations and they are just as confused as I am.

The Fear of the Unknown

2011-04-29T14:08:00.002-05:00

Of any of my fears and phobias this is the greatest one I have, the fear of the unknown. I think most people, especially women, might be able to relate to this. What is going to happen in the future? Are things going to go the way I hope? Are things going to go the way I plan? What are the possible problems? Can or how can I avoid them?

I have trouble letting go of these fears, of my worries.

Good News Bad News

2011-04-29T10:03:00.004-05:00

Okay besides the fact that I can't type or spell anymore it seems. I started this out with "Geed News Bad News", typoed faxt and speel, good grief!

The good news is that I've kept off the 10lbs that I lost last month. I haven't gained any of it back :)

The bad news is that I haven't lost anymore. Considering the only thing that I changed in my life was the amount of water I drink, from no water to 64oz or more per day, it's still a pretty darn good thing.

So what next? I've got two ideas of things to do. The first, which is a little difficult, is to not eat anything after a certain time at night. I did this once before and I lost 30lbs over a year. Then of course I went back to school nearly full time and my eating habbits went out the door. This one is difficult in that I often have plans in the evening where it's difficult for me to eat before and if I wait until after than it's kinda of late. This one I'm going to have to work on and think about.

The one that I really need to do and plan on starting next Monday is simple to be more physcially active. Sounds simple? Yeah right! I'm a person who enjoys watching TV shows while working on crafts or other projects. Walking a treadmill or walking around outside is not my thing. I also have an issue with breathing, depending on how active I get or what I'm doing or how I'm doing it, well I believe they call it exercise induced asthma. I can feel my airways closing up and I'm a little terrified to be too active due to this exact reason.

Okay, so why wait until Monday? I'm not really sure. I like start dates, end dates, regular check ins, etc... Me? A little OCD? Never! :) Anywho, it just seems like a good time to start as it's the start of the month and such. I'll be plenty active this weekend anyways, I just wanted a set day to start.

I'll post again towards the end of next month with how I'm doing and maybe some new pictures. go me! :)

In the moment...

2011-04-28T20:50:00.002-05:00

In the moment I don't want to know you.
In the moment I wish I had never met you.
The majority of our time has only caused
me confusion and pain.

In the moment I have said that I really
don't feel the need to ever hear from you again.

I still feel this way.

I don't understand but these things are
never possible to understand.

I hope, I wish, I dream, I fall

and things can change
from one moment to the next

The Circle Game

2011-04-27T21:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, a child came out to wander
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Then, the child moved ten times 'round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like, "When you're older", must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels through the town
And they tell him, "Take your time. It won't be long now.
'Til you drag your feet to slow the circles down"

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through.

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and 'round and 'round
In the circle game
And go 'round and 'round and 'round in the circle game.

It has been a week...

2011-04-25T22:25:00.000-05:00

and it really has just been a busy crazy week. Okay so it's only Monday and how can I say that already? Well I pretty much just mean the last seven days, busy busy busy! I had a gun club meeting last Tuesday and I was a little hot under the collar at the end of that one. Had a... disagreement with a fellow member at the end of it. Not a favorite thing of mine to do. So thankful for good friends though, I stopped at Squishy's to get a hug and when roomie got home he gave me a hug too.

The rest of the week my co-worker was off for a long holiday weekend and for some reason work just sort of blew up! Crazy busy when we are supposed to be slowing down a lil bit. I am so very thankful for my new boss, a lady that actually seems to listen to me.

For a while I have been wondering how this weekend would play out. I really did not want a repeat of last year, that was a little not that great for me. Somehow it all fell into place this year.

On Saturday I went to the range to help my dad out with a shoot. I'm so glad I got to spend the time with him and we actually had a great turn out! Last year we only had about 5 shooters, this year we have 14! About 6 of them were brand new that my dad had never met before, woohoo! Dad also realized that he had been putting on this shoot for 20 years! WOW! I was also very impressed with the way the black powder range looks now!

I went home Saturday night to rest and relax in my own bed and take a nice hot shower in my wonderful shower. I love my parents place but the guest bed and their showers are just not as good as mine :)

By coming back into town Saturday it also allowed me to go to church Sunday morning. Easter morning in church, Resurrection Sunday, the emotions, the feelings, the power of the words, the beat of the music, the TRUTH that I hear, knowing and loving Jesus as he died in MY place on the cross, for MY sins, for ME... what a powerful morning! I don't even know if I have words to describe it, though I've obviously just tried :)

Directly after church I drove up to my parents house to celebrate Easter with my family. Poor Sissy wasn't feeling well and actually left just a few moments before I got there :( The cool bit though is that I got to Skype with my brother and his family out in Cali! :) I got to see my niece and nephew and I can't believe how much they have grown since I saw them in November!

Dinner was with my parents and grandparents and it was a pleasant time. I drove back last night so that I could be here for work in the morning. I did think maybe about staying at my parents house but when I realized what time I'd have to get up... yeah there was no way that was going to happen!

Today, Monday, oh Mondays are always crazy busy! My co-worker was still off today but will be back tomorrow thankfully. I ended up working 10 straight hours today, no lunch and hardly even a break. I think I forgot to eat lunch too.

I've been having some casual conversations... well whatever you wanna call them, and I've been thinking more and more... it's time to add another aspect to trying to live a healthier life. I've been great with the water drinking, well except for this last week. Most days I do actually drink the 64oz of water that we're supposed to drink, sometimes even more. I really need to add more physical activity to my life. I know they say to alternate days but I think for me the best thing would just to be do a little every single day.

I'm not doing anything now so even just a little everyday would be better. I once heard that it takes a month to for new, regular, habits. It's worked with the water, I'm hoping it works with getting more active. My plan is to start on May 1st. I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing, walking, swimming, hiking, bike riding (once I get a bike again), but it's gonna be something every day...

crap I just remembered that I forgot the mink oil at my parents house, shoot!

Anywho, it is way past my bedtime and I need to get some sleep. I hope you all had a wonderful Easter and a great week! :)

this should get a laugh

2011-04-20T20:10:00.002-05:00

Okay so only one person will actually get this :)

What do you do when someone tells you that you think too much? Well if you are me than you think about it! Well duh of course I think too much, I wouldn't be me if I didn't think too much.

I guess another thought is why don't you tell me something I don't know? You've pointed this out before and it hasn't changed, nor will it change. I think, I ramble, I babble, I process, I reprocess, and then I think some more.

If I don't understand something is it better to let it go and be confused or is it better to try to sort things out?

LOL I'm so lost in thought that I can't even put my thoughts down.

Oh! But I do think I've figured out how to work my plans out for this weekend, that makes me happy :)

quote

2011-04-18T21:20:00.002-05:00

God does not will everything that happens; but in everything that happens He will something. ~ Gustaf Aulen

This quote was put up during the service this week. This so rings true with a deeper belief of mine. Something I once shared with a co-worker when another co-worker suffered a great tragedy.

LOL I had to go look up the email I sent her only realize that I did in fact blog about it long ago.

In reading back over that old post I saw that it was one of my Wednesday posts :) I miss those weekly reminders of God in my life, but perhaps I'm simply not seeing him. Being so wrapped up in my life I've forgotten about Him being in my life.

Strange as it is this weekend will be a little difficult for me. I'm thinking it will got better than last year but it will still be difficult. I feel like such an orphan when I finally head home. No this is NOT me asking for a place to go, just me expressing my feelings.

It's difficult being the only Believer in the family.

Confession is good for the soul?

2011-04-18T20:20:00.001-05:00

Right? That's what they say, that confessing... well not just your sins... but other things as well helps to lessen the burden so that you can face it and take care of the problems.

So here it goes...

I'm not motivated. I've lost my motivation. I have no motivation. I don't wanna do this right now but I know I have to. I come home and I avoid all the things that I'm supposed to do and just relax.

This is a problem, I have things to take care of, I need to get this stuff done and I need to keep moving forward on my projects. I feel like I need a vacation from my life, a chance to get away from everything, to forget everything for a lil while and just... be me... with no responsibilities.

So many distractions, so many things, so much stresses me and holds me down and holds me back.

What I wouldn't give to just curl up for a night and fall asleep in someone arms and have them hold me. A chance to melt away into oblivion...

I don't want...

2011-04-16T21:30:00.003-05:00

I don't want to care but I do
I don't want to hurt but I do

I shouldn't care as much as I do
but I can't stop myself

My emotions are turning
and twisting

I love what we have
but is it enough?

Can we really be
Just Friends?

I just don't know...

it's a curious thing...

2011-04-13T21:45:00.003-05:00

It's a curious thing when someone makes an observation about you and you start to really think about what they said. Squishy said something to me Monday night and it has kind of been in my mind since. I'm not exactly sure what to make of his observation as I'm not sure of how true it is?

How much of his observation is a fault in my personality or is it simply a difference of personalities?

I've asked a few friends about what they think and it's been a mixed bag of responses. One says it all depends on perspective, well that so doesn't help. Another said that I might be a little bit like the observation but not as much as Squishy made it sound...

Of course one might say that my friends were just being nice and didn't want to hurt my feelings. This very well could be true, but I asked people who have known me for quite a while and who know me REALLY well.

But how much does it matter? Is this something that I really am? Is this something that I should look at trying to improve in myself? Or simply should you love me just the way I am? I can't change for anyone but myself, trying to change to please someone else is just foolish.

Hm... lots of things to ponder, lots of things to think about...

Leo movies...

2011-04-13T20:05:00.000-05:00

Okay so last year Leonardo DiCaprio was in two new movies, both of which I really liked!

Shutter Island was a really good one. I was sort of put off at first since it was so over dramatically done. It actually really annoyed me but the twist at the end really threw me for a loop and so it became a movie I really liked!

Inception was an awesome movie! I totally loved that one. You had to keep thinking and paying attention in order to follow what was going on. I love movies like that and the plot is something I haven't ever seen before which was really nice.

Okay yep I'm trying to catch up on my movie reviews but man I just don't feel like saying much... got lots on my mind so we'll see if I can make these any better...

Sucker Punch

2011-04-12T19:45:00.000-05:00

So I finally got to see Sucker Punch!

I know it's a strange movie, has no real exciting plot, but I was excited anyways :) If you don't expect anything than you won't be disappointed it. If you go in just wanted to be entertained than it shouldn't be a problem.

It's a tiny bit like Inception, a story within a story within a story. I mostly wanted to see Sucker Punch for the graphics and special effects stuff. That and for some reason I just love the character of Babydoll. I think she's totally adorable and am hoping to maybe dress up like Babydoll for Halloween. I totally have to lose more weight before I can do that though... guess we'll just have to wait and see what the year brings :)

The Fourth Kind

2011-04-11T21:45:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I finally got a chance to watch The Fourth Kind, I've been waiting a while to see it. I hear that it was good, interesting, not bad, and I was curious to see it. Well I don't know if I was expecting too much because of what I have heard from other people, or perhaps it's because I watched it on my TV. I have a feeling that in the theater it would be much more impressive.

It wasn't bad, I liked the mixed forms of film use, but it just wasn't as good as I was expecting.

sneaky suspicion...

2011-04-11T16:05:00.000-05:00

So I have this sneaky suspicion that the folks at my church might be trying to set me up. I could very well be wrong, in fact I won't be posting this blog until much later than it is actually written. It's not a bad thing, just a strange thing, something that's been puzzling my mind for about a day.

Many weeks ago when I went out to dinner with a friend from church we were talking about relationships and such. She started trying to think of any single guys at church that might be a possible match for me. She did suggest a couple of guys, one in particular that I could remember, but it was sort of a moot point as I was dealing with the whole Squishy situation at the time.

Funny enough though, this weekend I was working in the toddler room and this particular guy stops by and says "Hi" to us. This isn't that out of the ordinary as they usually check up on the various kids rooms to see if everything going well. This time though, he actually said "Hi" directly to me, as in "Hi Morgan". I was so surprised that he actually knew my name and said "Hi" to me. I know who he is, you can't go to this church as long as I have without knowing who he is, but how on earth does he know who I am?! and my name! That just kinda made me do a double take.

This coming weekend there is an event happening at church where you can sign up for small groups to go out to lunch together and just get to know people better. I usually sign up for this and have gone twice... or three times? This morning when I checked my email and there was one from the gal who makes up the groups and guess who happens to be in my group! Yeah, a whole bunch of couples and then him and I!

Granted it's a whole knew group for me, I haven't gotten to know any of these people very well yet. But still... this somehow is screaming to me of "set up!" I can't help but laugh :) If it isn't a set up than I need to stop being so paranoid, if it is... well I can't be upset. These folks at church all love me and only want to see me happy and I know they all love this guy and I'm sure they want to see him happy as well... It just makes me giggle :)

I so can't wait to corner my friend I went out to dinner with and see if she has anything to do with this! LOL

~UPDATE~ from many months later. The group meal went just fine, nothing out of the ordinary. When I talked with my girldfriend from chruch she was kinda surprised but than curious. Nothing ever came from this, it was just kinda fun to think about... lol sometimes I just need to stop thinking :)

letting my thoughts ramble...

2011-04-10T20:45:00.000-05:00

It's hard to know what to think anymore, or even what to do. How is it I've made it to this age and am not even anywhere near to finding someone to be with. How is it I am so far from my goals at this age? I can't even begin to comprehend it all.

The years, and yes I do mean years, that I spent wasting my time on Mahna... and now months, granted not many, but wasting time still with Squishy...

The absolutely crazy part is... I knew it wasn't going to work with Squishy. I knew it for quite a while. Yes I would get all warm and squishy when talking to him and kissing him, but I was still waiting for that all consuming passion and desire to hit me.

So than what is the problem, really... what is the problem with everything that has gone on?

I guess I feel like someone else wasted my time. I don't know that I would have tried so hard with Squishy if he hadn't been so confusing and topsy turvy. If he wasn't interested in me that's fine, but than he turns around and wants to take things to the next level, and then a bad weekend, and then taking things slow again, and then we're dating, and then not seeing it working out?!

I seriously would have been fine just being friends and nothing more. I didn't need the rest of the bs. I...

I'm just lost, confused, uncertain, wondering...

Why is it that I seem to fall for the wrong guys? Or at least the guys who have no interest in me? le sigh... I'm really... ugh...

I want to give up but at the same time... I just don't know what to do.

All I want is someone to grow old with, someone to spend the rest of my life with, someone to build a home and family with.

He doesn't want me to shut him out but yet... I just find it so difficult to... even... so difficult to even complete a sentence on here.

All I want it to be held and to hold someone...

holy wow!

2011-04-10T12:25:00.000-05:00

So about once a month or so I volunteer in one of the kids rooms at church during service. I believe the age group I work with is about 18 months to 3 years. It's a great time of playing with toys, reading stories, snack time, and coloring pictures.

Today though, today we had 10 kids! The room is not big enough for them all but we still had a good time. There were a few bumps and bruises, and collisions, and a few tears. Turns out we're expecting 9 more kids to move into this age group in the next few months... holy wow!

It was nice to play with all the kids and I love being able to help out in church sometimes. It's a great team of people there and I just love them all! :)

broken...

2011-04-09T17:25:00.003-05:00

I really don't know how much more I can take. I don't know that I can survive through this kind of stuff anymore. What I went through with Mahna did quite the number on me and it took me years to get right again. I've opened myself up to someone else and I feel like my heart as been ripped out, put back but not very well, only to be ripped out yet again.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not defending him either this time. He called himself a coward, I've got a few other words in mind as well.

I don't doubt that I seem... eager or excited for the possibility of having found someone to be with, I suppose that is just too much pressure... but seriously?! Heck even roomie is like wtf?!

I just don't know what to do or think anymore...

before you get your panties in a bunch...

2011-04-09T15:38:00.003-05:00

No Squishy and I did not have dinner with the family last night. Dad fell and had to go to the hospital, banged up his head pretty good. He was able to go home, which he did, and without dad there I kinda wanted to wait.

Also Squishy has been putting lots of hours at work and found out at the last moment that he had to work today. So he stayed home and rested and relaxed for the evening before having to go back to work today, poor guy :(

I ended up going out to dinner with Mom and Sissy as they were staying in town for the weekend. They did give me the 3rd degree, asking all sorts of questions. Btw Sis his future pets name is Archie. After dinner I went to his place to hang out, relax, talk, watch some Nascar, etc.

I so enjoy spending time with Squishy :)

things that make you go hmm...

2011-04-07T20:20:00.002-05:00

So... well... you see... not sure... maybe... sorta...

And I thought I was confused :)

le sigh...

I can only take it one day at a time and just see how things go, I can't predict the future, I only know what I'd like and try my best to reach those goals...

sharing the good stuff

2011-04-07T07:45:00.001-05:00

and not exactly holding it all to myself... sorta :)

So yes I was a little over the top yesterday morning as per my previous post. It's all good, he teased me about it through the day and I just kept laughing at myself. Sometimes we all go a little crazy :)

One of the funniest, or in my mind the funniest, things that happened last night was when he got to my place. I had notice roomie pulling up so I was waiting to let him in. While I was waiting for roomie to let him in guess who pulls up... Squishy! They both get out of their cars, are walking towards the building, and I'm on patio and I said "Hi Boys" and waved at them both. LOL it was kinda surreal but interesting. So I tossed roomie the keys, asked him to let Squishy follow him up, and met them both at the door. It seems they had a little conversation on the way up, silly boys :)

So Squishy and I had dinner (tater tot hotdish yum! though he doesn't like the cream of mushroom soup, oie!), did that sitting at the table and talking thing, man I love that! LOL I'm gonna start making roomie do that when he and I are home.

Squishy and I talk about the most random things. We talked a lil about my parents and them moving around, showed him my childhood home, talked about his work and my work a little, and other things that I can't even remember. It was so nice just sitting down, having a meal, and talking with someone.

We watched a movie after, Drag me to Hell. It was supposed to be a horror movie but we kept laughing. It was just so ridiculous that we couldn't help it. It was an okay movie, not horror, but not something I'd see again.

The big news, or sorta big, or only as big as a person makes it is... Squishy is meeting my family on Friday! Okay okay okay, I admit, it might be a little soon for that, but considering that I have no clue when my family might all be down here again at one time, it seemed to be the best opportunity. That or else I'd have to take him to my parents house to spend a weekend with us and that would be the first time he would meet them.

I figured this might be the best way, just a nice dinner with my parents and sister, and maybe a friend of the family, and just have a nice meal together and talk and for them to get to know him and him to get to know them. Again yes it might be a little early but I still think it's the best choice for now.

We also talked a little bit about... well I guess where we are? what we're doing? an attempt to define our relationship... Okay so I really brought it up. It was a legit question tho, when introducing him to my family I wanted to know what to say, is he my boyfriend (and admittedly in my mid 30's using the word boyfriend does seem a little silly but still I needed something) or is he just my friend or what? Yeah I'm no good at subtle, he saw right through me... sorta.

I mean I really did want to know how I'm supposed to introduce him, but it was also good to know where we stand, what we are, etc. The simple conclusion, we are dating, we are moving forward, we are taking things slow (which is a very good thing), and we just keep going from one day to the next.

Uh oh... I think I'm reaching babbling/rambling length on this post...

I like him, I really do, and the more time I spend with him I like him even more... and the kisses are pretty wonderful :p Right now I'm just trying to take things one day at a time (difficult for me as I'm such a planner!) and just being relaxed and just letting things happen... le sigh :)

Oh I almost forgot! One of the things we talked about was my church. I haven't really brought it up with him much. He used to go to church as a kid but hasn't been in years. I respect every persons decision regarding religion so long as it doesn't harm someone else. I never push or prod someone to come to church with me or to be a believer in Jesus. I will explain how I got to where I am with my beliefs and answer questions as best as I can. But I also do love sharing my church with new people :)

Okay, I admit I prod my roomie a lil bit. I think it would do him a world of good to come back to church, but I don't push him. He knows he's welcome to join me anytime he wants to :)

Okay, back to where I was. Squishy and I were talking a lil about my church and the subject of him coming with me sometime came up, though I can't remember how it started. He did say he was curious to see why I keep going, what keeps me going back, and why I like it so much. He then asked if I might be able to pick him up and drop him off, cuz ya know he lives so far away and it's such a pain... okay if you can't tell that's sarcasm cuz he literally lives between my place and church. I drive by his place every time I go there :)

letting my crazy show...

2011-04-06T08:00:00.001-05:00

Yep, that was the big mistake of the day... so far... it's still early.

I still believe this statement is true, that all women, or even men, everyone has the potential to be a little crazy, obsessive, over the top at times, what matters is the control we have over that part of ourselves.

I full admit that I can be a little crazy, nuts, be the psycho ex, sometimes... over the years it has been less and less. You have to realize that I am a person with some minor OCD tendencies. Some things in my life have to be a certain way, it's not bad, it's not over the top, but some things just have to be a certain way. I think we're all like this, women more so than men.

I see this part of myself in both of my parents. My dad is meticulous about his work shop, was the same way with the garage in the old house. My mom always had to clean house before we left for a trip, even if it was just the weekend. I'm the same way. Perhaps I've been living alone too long? Roomie has helped me loosen up over time but he has also seen me at my worst. Poor guy has bared the brunt of it at times.

Well... my crazy came out a little this morning. Squishy asked me to call him when I got up to help him get up earlier. To keep calling and calling until he got up. I did ask him if he was sure he wanted me to do this. Poor guy didn't know what he was asking. Told my roomie what I was doing this morning and he even asked if Squishy knew what he was asking.

Well it turns out that Squishy's phone was buried under the covers... and I was doing exactly what he was asking... for nearly an hour. Yes there were breaks when I was showering and getting dressed and everything else... but still it was a lot of calls.

I thought for sure he couldn't be sleeping through all these calls. Perhaps his phone was somehow on silent? Turned off? He was already in the shower and wasn't hearing the phone? Maybe took something to help him sleep and was having a difficult time getting up?

I just kept calling and calling and calling... I let my crazy show. I'm feeling very exposed and vulnerable right now. This is not a part of me that I'm proud of, that I want people to know about (and yet I'm blogging about it to the world?), that I like about myself. But it is there... and it showed today.

The only good news is that this side of me doesn't show up very often. Less and less as the years go by and I have a better control over myself and a better sense of what matters and what is over the top. Hopefully I can forget about it and not think about my actions this morning ever again... or perhaps even one day I'll be able to laugh at myself and this morning... I do tend to laugh at myself often, have I told you I find myself simply hilarious?! :)

Well onto the rest of the morning, hope yours is better than mine!

(case in point all my posts are posted with what I call a round number, the time is with a 5 or a 0, no other numbers :))

hugging the good stuff

2011-04-04T11:30:00.000-05:00

So, still very much so hugging the good stuff to myself... but it might be time to share a little bit of it :)

So last Tuesday, March 30th, Squishy came over for dinner and a movie. I made tacos as it was the easiest thing I could think of and didn't require a lot of work from myself. That and I was kinda craving them.

So we had dinner, sat at the table and talked... okay I seriously cannot remember the last time I actually sat that the dinner table in my apartment and had dinner with someone. Roomie and I never do. He goes off to his room to do whatever it is he does and I'm either at my computer or on my couch when eating. I cannot even express how nice it was to sit there and eat and talk with someone. Okay the times he asked questions and I was still chewing wasn't the best, but still... it made me miss the days from when I was a kid and we all sat down to dinner every night as a family.

So after dinner I cleaned up a little bit and then we settled on my couch to watch a movie. I would highly recommend NOT watching The Human Centipede. Just disturbing in a way thats... disturbing. The part I can't believe is that they made a sequel! We stopped that about 20 minutes before it was over.

We then watched a documentary about Ventriloquists, hey ya gotta love Jeff Dunham. We didn't make it all the way through that either. We started talking and... okay here's a funny part about Squishy. He comes up with the most random questions. We had a 5 minute discussion about Toaster Strudels of all things?! It makes me laugh though and I value that so very much. I find myself simply hilarious so for someone else to make me laugh is a good thing.

The part of the evening that I really liked was the most innocent part, very simply the holding of hands. It's a strange thing for me, to be so slow and just calm and relaxed and not jumping from one thing to another. Simply laying on the couch like we were, holding hands, watching silly stuff, and talking... it just makes me all warm and glowy and... SQUISHY!! LOL

Okay, I give in, I'll admit it... I do this thing, might have mentioned it before long time ago, but I do this thing, and I find the results to always be interesting. I like to ask people what they are thinking and I want to know exactly what they are thinking at the exact moment I ask. Even if it's about how their socks don't match, or something might have read or watched, or a silly memory, or whatever. I just want to know what they are thinking at that exact moment. Squishy ain't so good at this game. Oh well. I asked him that on Tuesday night at one point and he didn't have much to say. A few moments later he asked me, I wouldn't tell him. I didn't want to tell him... but I'm not a patient person and so few minutes later I did tell him.

I was thinking about him kissing me *deep blush* LOL Admittedly he did wait a few minutes and then kissed me :P I'm such a dork!! LOL He also kissed me before he left... he has such sweet and tender kisses... I can't help but want more :p Okay, enough being goofy and squishy and a dork... can't wait to see what he thinks about this post!

closing a chapter of my life

2011-04-02T19:55:00.001-05:00

After a decade and a dozen visits a part of my life is coming to an end. I realized with my deeper connection post that I had some mending of fences to do. This was most certainly the case with my friend in New York. She had made some life decisions that I didn't agree with and so we drifted apart. In wanting to be a better person, to be the friend that most people see in me, to be the friend I should be, I wrote her an email to apologize for my behavior.

I explained why I let things fall away between us, by no means were they excuses, just an explanation. I apologized multiple times, asked for forgiveness... and she did write back.

She doesn't forgive me, she's upset that I hadn't talked with her before, said that I didn't know enough about her new life to have the opinions I do, and that it was someone else who pulled me into the middle of everything.

I replied back to her and tried to explain better. She hasn't written back. At this point I can only guess that she does not want to try to repair our friendship. It's a sad thing, to lose a friendship that once meant so much to me. I wish I could do something more to fix it but at this point I don't think I can.

Friday was a sad day for me. I was cleaning up my friends list on FB when I noticed she was no longer on my friends list. I searched for her on mutual friends list but I couldn't find her. Then I noticed that her son was no longer on my list either.

I suppose the only thing left for me now is to send back the photo album of hers that I borrowed. It makes my scapbooking all the visits between us that much more painful.

All I can do now is close this chapter of my life and try my best not to repeat these mistakes.

i think...

2011-04-01T23:05:00.000-05:00

I think i'm back to the not wanting to write because I don't want to admit things to myself? I have a lot of stuff rolling around in my head but I'm not exactly sure how to get it out. I hope to maybe work on some of it this weekend, or perhaps it will just stay in side me for a little while longer...

haven't really said much

2011-03-31T20:50:00.002-05:00

I haven't really said much about... well anything :) I was all prepared to sit down and spill the beans... but I just don't want to. I'm still hugging all the good stuff to myself and I just don't feel like sharing yet... maybe someday soon. Or if you really wanna know send me a message and maybe we can meet for dinner or something, then I'll tell you everything!

ready for spring

2011-03-30T12:30:00.002-05:00

For the first time in a very long time I'm actually looking forward to the warmer weather and to spring... summer maybe not so much? I don't do well in heat and get sunburnt very easily.

I'm actually looking forward to being more active and doing things outside. Not sure how active I will be, but I've got lots of ideas and plans and things to do. No I'm not a sports player, I'm terrible at sports. I'm a great spectator though! I'm looking forward to my friends volleyball games starting up at the end of April. I'm guessing that my church will be playing softball again and I like going to those games. My only problem is that the volleyball games and softball games tend to be on the same nights. Sometimes I make it to both, sometimes I can only do one.

I'm also looking forward to "Wood Camp" up at my parents house. This is a whole weekend spent splitting wood and getting the wood shed ready for next winter. There is the work weekend at the gun range next month, always a fun and interesting time. Just don't ask me to make pancakes! There will also be a work day at Church to get the outside cleaned up and pretty. I think last year I became an expert weed puller.

I'm looking forward to camping with my family and being at the lake and just out of doors. I'm looking forward to getting to the range a few times to do some shooting with the roomie.

I've also got some scrap weekends in the works with my scrap ladies. I'm looking forward to being productive in my projects and getting to know these ladies better.

Seriously, I'm usually not like this. Of course my good mood and looking forward to things could be a slight result of last night, good mood carried over :) Or it could be the fact that I've been stuck in a two bedroom apartment with my roomie for the past however many months and I just wanna get out and get away from him! Luv ya roomie!

All I know is that it's a nice change of pace, to be looking forward to something and to be excited about the spring/summer months.

still feeling good :)

2011-03-30T07:27:00.002-05:00

have you ever had such a good time, a wonderful night, a great night... so much so that you just want to keep it to yourself? I'm feeling that way right now. I'm hugging the memories of last night to me and I don't want to let go of them or share them with anyone yet, not really... I'm sure that will change but still, I'm holding these happy memories to myself a little while longer :)

good feelings...

2011-03-28T18:20:00.003-05:00

I can't help it. I really can't. I'm all smiley inside and it's starting to bubble out. I know I shouldn't be. I know I'm jumping the gun. I know I'm counting my chickens before they are hatched. I just can't help it.

I was talking with a friend at work today about the communication problems that Squishy and I seem to have. She made me feel a lot better and a bit more normal. Granted I usually say normal isn't my thing, but this time I welcome it. What she told me has rested my mind and heart a lot and I'm feeling much more patient, much more calm.

sorta...

I have a strong desire to cuddle and snuggle and to just simple be with someone right now... that and I'm craving lots and lots of kisses... if it's meant to be then they will be coming in time... hopefully not too much longer to wait :)

strange but good

2011-03-27T20:30:00.001-05:00

Okay, so it's been a strange road with Squishy. Somehow, and neither of us know how exactly, but our communication with each other just totally blows. Somehow, we really suck at it. It's some sort of combination of the words and/or phrases he uses and then my interpretation of them, they just don't mix well at all.

The bad part is that this really sucks and has been causing some problems.

The good part is that we both want to work through this problem so that, whatever our relationship is meant to be, we can keep moving forward and see where it all leads. We both want this to work.

I think that fact is what is keeping me from going nuts. That somehow, we both recognize that there is something, even if it is only just friendship, and we both want this to work... whatever it is.

I still find it amazing that a guy wants to figure things out, sees and recognizes a problem AND wants to fix it. That in itself is a rare thing and something to hold onto... if possible.

It is a most strange situation but we're working on it, and that's what matters most.

hmm... this water drinking thing...

2011-03-27T20:10:00.001-05:00

it really works!!

Okay, I know muscle weighs more than fat and that weight is only part of the measurement in regards to getting healthier, but still...

For the past couple of weeks I've been really annoyed, really really annoyed. My pants just have not been fitting right. I honestly thought they had been stretched out somehow or just, I don't know. I was getting pissy because I just bought them in November, how could they be stretching or whatever?

Well for giggles this morning I stepped on the scale. It had been exactly 30 days since I last posted about my weight and wanting to have a healthier life. Well... I've lost 10 lbs!!

I was just so amazed and surprised and just WOW! I totally wasn't expecting it. So far the only change I have made in my life is what I drink. I have been able to stick to 1 can of pop a day, usually right away in the morning, and the rest of the day it's just water. Yes I do still use the propel flavor packs, but I really am drinking a lots more water.

The amazing part I'm finding is that I am eating a little less as I'm so full from drinking water. With drinking less pop I'm also not drinking as many calories as before either.

Who knew that all of this, or even just this one little change, could have such a change on me. I'm so happy with this change. Now I need to start thinking about the next change...

ouch :(

2011-03-24T11:50:00.000-05:00

sometimes reality smacks you in the face from the most innocent of places.

I got an email today from a friend from the gun club and who is active in the rendezvous. She was sending out an email suggesting a get together soon and possibly doing some planning for the rendezvous. I had to decline as I already had plans.

The thing is she sent it to a group of us... all couples except me... I was the only single person of the whole group... ouch :(

The squish is BACK?!?

2011-03-23T20:26:00.003-05:00

LOL thats what a friend asked when I posted about Squishy on my FB this evening. I couldn't help but laugh at the way she said it. Yes Squishy is back... sorta...

After what happened last week I really didn't want to talk with him again. He had used up all his passes with me and I didn't want to give him another chance... but he said he actually wanted to talk. To talk about what happened last week, to talk about what's going on, to talk about everything... and to get it all figured out and sorted out.

How many times do you find a guy who actually wants to talk? Who wants to figure out what has been going on, to explain and apologize, and to fix it so that it doesn't happen again. I just had to take the chance and talk with him again.

It was a good talk... a very good talk.

We got some things out, we figured some things out, I think we've got a fairly decent line drawn, so hopefully no more bumps in the road.

I can't help it, I'm still hopeful for more, but if friends is all we can be than I can live with that. We just need to make sure that we keep things clear and don't get messed up.

One of the problems seems to be that he hasn't liked reading about himself in this blog. That I can understand, I don't like reading about myself in other people's blogs either. It's a difficult thing to understand... blogs are generally not about other people, they are about the person who writes them. Or at least this is my experience.

Most blogs that I have read are by people just needing to talk, to write, to vent, to express, to get things out, about how they are feeling, what they are going through, thoughts and ideas in their heads. These types of blogs are about us, the writers, not other people.

Mahna and I went around in circles for weeks after the last time we started talking again. He very much so disagreed with most of what I wrote that somehow involved him. I had to tell him over and over again that it wasn't about him, it was about me. I don't think we ever really came to an end of that discussion, just sort of agreed to disagree.

It's never easy reading about yourself from someone elses mind, their thoughts, their ideas, what they say or think about you... even if it is mostly good stuff. It's like that person is presenting you to the world, putting you out there without your permission... but again, it's not about them, it's about us, the writers. This reason though, this is why I try very much so to respect the privacy of those who might get mentioned in the blog. I try to avoid using real names, often giving nicknames or just referencing how I know them.

We talked a little bit about this and hopefully he can be patient with me and understand my need to write :) It is very much so apart of who I am.

He says he wants me in his life, I ask and he doesn't know to what capacity... but for now, friends is good...

making progress

2011-03-21T21:30:00.002-05:00

So tonight I went out to dinner with a dear friend from church. This is all part of my wanting to make deeper connections with the people in my life. It was so wonderful to get to know her better and to be able to talk about the things going on in my life. New friends are great, but getting that deeper connection with the people already in my life is what I'm focusing on.

Roller Coasters

2011-03-20T21:30:00.000-05:00

Ya know I don't think I've been on a roller coaster as bad as this since things were all messy with Mahna. This past week was just nuts with Squishy and just way too much roller coaster. I don't need that kind of nonsense again.

So the start of the week was different than the middle of the week and still different than the end of the week, and the weekend even different yet. Who knew so many twists and turns could exist in one roller coaster.

I'm not questioning why or how or what went wrong, the only thing I'm questioning is why on earth I put up with his behavior.

hmm... I guess my muse is not with me tonight... perhaps I'll be better able to form my thoughts a little later this week.

fuzzy feeling a little less

2011-03-18T23:05:00.001-05:00

Okay, so my super fantastic feeling from this morning isn't as super anymore. After a long day and plans falling through, well it kinda brings ya down a notch or two. Not in a bad way, the day becomes just like any other is all.

This is still a good feeling though. After talking with Tigger last night things are so much better. It's sucky that a relationship isn't possible but to recognize that now and to not waste the time in finding that out later, it's just an amazing feeling. A strange one true, but still, it actually feels pretty amazing.

As for Squishy... so not feeling squishy anymore, at all. Here's another surprise. At the end of this fiasco I'm not questioning "whats wrong with me, why wasn't I the one, what did I do wrong". I'm not feeling any of that.

I know this time I didn't do anything, it simply isn't possible. It can't be wrong to be myself. Whatever he's looking for I'm not it, for whatever reason *shrugs* Oh well, onto the next thing!

hmm... :)

2011-03-18T05:55:00.000-05:00

For the first time in a while I slept pretty well. I also woke up with the song 'Glory to God' stuck in my head. That was a little unusual. I take it to mean that the decisions I made last night were the correct ones. I'm so much more at peace this morning that I have been in a little while.

I deserve better than I've been getting, plain and simple. I also deserve to be with someone who is in the same place in his life that I am in mine :)

its like shooting fish in a barrel, kill every one

2011-03-17T23:20:00.000-05:00

It's been one heck of a week for me...

killed two fish, both dead in the water...

No idea about the first one, no clue at all! But I do know I deserve better than what has been happening for the past month. If someone really is interested in me than he would know it and show it.

The second one... well we had a little chat tonight and got a few things figured out. We figured out... like basically we're in very different places in our lives and he's open to moving elsewhere and I want to stay local...

back to the drawing board I guess *shrugs*

interesting thoughts...

2011-03-17T08:30:00.002-05:00

Okay, just had these thoughts and I wanted to get them down real quick.

Once long ago my mother told me a problem she had with the Christian religion, and please realize this is my foggy memory and I could be wrong, was that no one could ever get to heaven on their own, that no one could be as good as Jesus and get to heaven all on their own. I just came up with this response. If everyone was as good as Jesus than we'd all be Gods because Jesus is God, and that just messes with everything because we're not supposed to have multiple Gods.

This then brought my thinking towards multiple Gods like in ancient Roman and Greek times and how they had a God for everything (and honestly I then slipped into thinking about BSG because I'm a geek). But than this got me to thinking about Catholicism and how they have a Saint for everything... is Catholicism the modern version of ancient Roman and Greek religions? My very basic understanding is that Catholics have a patron Saint for nearly everything situation. I'm not exactly sure why though? My fear is that they would think God is too busy with 'worldly' things to be able to focus on an individual.

Doesn't that thinking defeat the purpose in believing in a God? I mean God knows who you are before you are born. He knows everything about you, knows the road you will travel even before you've started on the journey. Personally, I don't believe that God is ever too busy to care for us, we simply become too busy to care for Him.

Eh, I have flashes of brilliance every now and then, on occasion I am capable of deep thought (btw the answer is 42)

ps I am going to check with some of my friends to try to figure out the Saint thing so that I can better understand :)

pps okay found this interesting article...
http://www.daytondailynews.com/lifestyle/history-of-sainthood-in-the-catholic-church-1109707.html?viewAsSinglePage=true

over thinking...

2011-03-16T10:00:00.001-05:00

Me? Over think something? Analyze it from ever possible angle until I know every possible outcome? Me? Nah, I don't do that!! (okay have you even read this blog? If not than you don't know me very well :)

So this whole thing with Squishy, which I've documented fairly well (not all here but somewhere), it's been running around my head like a marathon runner. I just keep going over everything and with each new day there is something to add and my mind starts doing even more laps. Perhaps this is why I was tossing and turning last night starting at 2am.

I'm going to drive myself nuts thinking it all over like this, dissecting it with all my friends and getting their different views. Admittedly sometimes it is good to really think about something. Had the pro/con conversation with roomie last night about over thinking. It's good in the way that you can be best prepared for a situation and it could save you from making a mistake... then again if you spend so much time thinking about it you just might miss something wonderful.

Like Squishy has on his arm and like my girlfriends told me this last weekend, Carpe Diem, seize the day, seize the moment. If you really want to do something than do it, don't put it off, don't over think it, just do it! (no I was not trying to plug Nike there).

Even more simply, and something I really need to think about and work on, just take things one day at a time. There is no use worrying about a future that may or may not come. Think of all the wasted energy in doing that.

so...

2011-03-15T23:00:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here fairly confused and trying not to think... but this is me, of course I need to think! It has been a very confusing few weeks.

First things were slow to start with meeting Squishy, we meet, things a little slow, then when I'm gone for a weekend he says he wasn't to spend a lot of time with me the following week. We hang out twice and then he sends me a message that he's not interested in me in a romantic way. We decide to be friends.

Then a few days after deciding to be friends he says we need to start with a clean slate so that we're on the same level. My question was to what end? Why start with a clean slate? Could there be a different result? What exactly does that mean? Case in point I think too much :)

We text good morning and good night everyday. We hung out for an evening and discussed what was going on. The constant texting, the tone and type of text conversations we were having, we talked a little about the clean slate thing. I said I was fine with being on the same level so long as I know what the level is. He said even he didn't know what level he was talking about. Great, that helps so much!

But we kept right on texting everyday. Good mornings, good nights, and all sorts of things in between. So now, we're talking again tonight... and I call him and he asks about tomorrow night. Tell him I have plans to have dinner with a girlfriend. So he asks me to come over when we're done. When I get home I have a message from him on FB... he says that if I want, and only if I want, to pack an overnight bag and spend the night with him... tell him that only confuses me more. He then says... "I'm interested in taking things to the next level." Oh for the love of pete!! Ah well...

I'm still trying to decide on what to do. No idea at this point in writing this. Possibly by the time this is posted I'll know what is really going on :)

ya know...

2011-03-15T09:15:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to think that I really suck at communication? I tell a story and then the people I tell it to get the wrong idea or impression and then I have to go back and re-explain everything... This is getting a little nuts... hmm... maybe I just need to think more before I speak? Of course both roomie and squishy would disagree with the thinking more :)

well crud :(

2011-03-14T12:40:00.000-05:00

So sometime recently, must have been last month, I wrote about wanting to make deeper connections with my friends, renew old friendships, and just reconnect with everyone and be closer to my friends...

One of the first things I had to do was write to my girlfriend in New York. I haven't talked with her much over the past 2 years and it is mostly my fault. There was a change in her life and how the change came about, well I didn't agree with the steps she took. Granted I don't know the full story of everything that did happen, but still.

I got sucked into the middle, between her and her husband, and try as I might I just could not fix it. It doesn't help that as I was trying to advise him, she was still lying to him. I finally told him to sit his wife down and make her tell him everything. And when he thought she was done to start again. As soon as we hung up I called her and told her what the hubby had said and told her I couldn't be in the middle anymore. I told she needed to sit down and tell him everything, EVERYTHING. I have no clue how much she had lied but even though I was the only one who knew what was going on she had even lied to me about stuff.

I simply could not be in the middle of that anymore.

I tried to continue talked to her, I tried to be her friend, but from everything I knew I couldn't :( I understand that she wasn't happy in her marriage, but I also asked her flat out if she had talked to her hubby about how unhappy she was, she said she didn't. Ah there is that communication thing again...

As it was recently pointed out to me I'm not that great at it either. (btw thanks Squishy :)

Case in point I didn't know how to talk to my friend about what had happened and what was going on. No one wants to tell someone else that they are disappointed in them, or at least I don't. And it was a difficult position since I lived so far away and I only saw brief moments of their life together.

And so I didn't talk with her, didn't call, didn't email, didn't IM, didn't go and visit again... nothing. And that is my fault. I put that distance between us, I'm so sorry for that.

Well in trying to reconnect with her I sent her an email this morning. Apologizing for my behavior, explaining why I stopped talking to her (not excuses, just an explanation), and asking for forgiveness, with hopes for renewing our friendship. Well... she went off on me :( Rightly so but still. I sent her another email back and apologized again and simply said I would be here if she ever needed me... I have a feeling my NY life is over... and I did it to myself.

So...

2011-03-11T20:00:00.005-06:00

I'm kinda confused... the way things ended up with Squishy in that we're friends. That was where we left things at the end of Sunday.

but than all this week we text good morning and good night everyday. We text through out the days. Tuesday we had an... interesting... conversation throughout the day. Left me a little confused. Wednesday was another interesting conversation day.

Thursday was a good day though. We had plans to go hang out at his place in the evening. He owed playing a song for me :) So I went over and we had a really good evening. He plinked around on his guitar for me a little bit. For some reason he was self conscious doing this. I really enjoyed it. I like seeing my friends do something they really enjoy, something they are passionate about. It's like seeing deeper inside of them. I also amazed at anyone who can do stuff I can't do. Like anything related to music. I can't sing, play instruments, read music, or anything, but I sure to enjoy it! :)

We talked about what has happened this week, we let out some of our skeletons, we watched a little hockey, talked about a little of this and a little of that. It was just a really nice night. I so like hanging out with him and just chatting about random things, anything that comes to either of our minds.

I like him... can't stop myself from liking him... and am just taking things a little at a time. Friends is a good thing, still hoping for a little more... but I'll take what I can get. If he wants anything further... it's gonna have to come from him. Though he is more than welcome to come and get it :p

water

2011-03-08T13:50:00.000-06:00

Okay, I think my eyes are floating and they have been for over a week now. I have been drinking so much more water than I used, it's a little ridiculous!

I have these great water bottles, Camelbak, oh I just love them! Strange as it is I have no problems drinking water with these bottles. I've tried various other types of water bottles and I just never stuck with them. I have 2 of them, one for at work and one at home. This way I don't have to remember to bring it home or back to work.

I have the size that holds 16.9oz or 500ml of water, so basically with 1 bottle I get two 8oz glasses of water. At work I drink anywhere from 1 to 3 bottles a day, so 2 to 6 glasses of water. I just got my second bottle for at home but even at home I'm averaging 1 to 2 bottles each evening, so 2 to 4 glasses of water. So each day I'm drinking at least 4 glasses of water.

I will admit that I do use the propel or crystal light flavor packs. Right now I just can't drink plain water and at least I'm drinking some which is better than before. I'm hoping to eventually cut those back or out completely so that I'm just drinking plain water.

I will also admit that I have not given up pop. I just can't. Though I have cut down drastically on the amount I drink. At most I have 2 cans a day. Always one can of regular pepsi, I also might have a can of sierra mist. I'm thinking once I'm out of the sierra mist I won't buy anymore so it will just be the pepsi. Hey, I gotta get my caffeine somehow! :)

I do only drink one can of pepsi a day. I had 2 cans a couple times this past week and that second one just did not taste as good.

Hm... I just realized that, right now, there isn't a savings cost from drinking more water. See I buy pop that costs no more than 25 cents a can, and two cans a day is 50 cents. My flavor packs are about 30 cents a pack and if I do drink 5 bottles a day thats $1.50 a day, plus the cans of pop... Okay, I'll have to see what I can do about cutting back on those and also finding coupons for the flavor packs.

At least it is somewhat healthier for me. Less calories and not as much bad stuff. Will seriously have to look at the cost factor tho... hm...

Perfect

2011-03-07T10:50:00.000-06:00

Okay, gotta get this one off my chest. Been on my mind... oh about 30 seconds and I can tell it's going to drive me nuts.

NO ONE IS PERFECT!!!

This concept, as a society, we pretty much accept. Why, oh why, then are there many single women, or even men, in my general age range looking for the "perfect" person for them. How can we accept that no one is perfect and yet look for the perfect person to spend our lives with?

I've recently, in case you couldn't tell, been through some experiences with various men in my life. Okay, that just means that I've been talking with a few different guys and considered dating some of them, or not.

See I read this book last year, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, and what I learned is that no one is perfect, so quit looking for perfect! Take the time to really get to know someone, the inner workings, before deciding that yes this is someone I'd still like to get to know further, or no they aren't.

Ya know the saying ogres are like onions, they have layers... well everyone has layers. Some you might not like, some will be okay, some will be awesome. It's a personal decision to let those various layers bother to the point of not wanting to pursue a relationship or not.

Some things are simply non-negotiable and are deal breakers. The desire, or lack there of, to have a family is a deal breaker for me. A love of onions, or lack there of, is not a deal breaker. I just think about the teasing and joking that they would get from my family as we have done in the past.

Yes I have in my head an idea of what would be ideal, what I would really like in the person I spend the rest of my life with, but I know that exact person doesn't exist. I do know there is someone out there who will love me in spite of all of my faults and who I will love just as deeply regardless of their faults.

It's no different than picking which battles to fight, what is really important and what isn't.

I know God has someone out there for me... I just hope He sends him soon :)

Well...

2011-03-06T19:15:00.000-06:00

the weekend didn't go anywhere near how I thought it might.

Saturday squishy said he wasn't interested in me in a romantic way. Can hardly argue with the way someone doesn't feel, just kinda stung a bit. I guess it was just all so confusing with him that it really didn't help. Oh well, seriously what can you do? Not a darn thing.

I think the funny part, or interesting part, is how quick people jumped to making a negative judgement of him. We, as a society, are so quick to judge! I have no hard feelings towards him, sometimes you just can't help the way you feel, or rather don't feel. He is a really nice guy and great to talk with.

The good part, or relaxing part, of Saturday was going to a shoot at the gun range. Granted there wasn't any shooting but it was a good to see some people and to connect with them. Got more planning done in regards to the 'vous and things are slowing making progress with that.

Today I went to church in the morning and ran a few errands after. I got a mailing all ready to go out tomorrow to request donations for the 'vous. I'm excited to see what kind of response I get, hopefully I get one period!

This afternoon has been a lazy around the apt day. There were things I should have done, things I could have done, but I simply wasn't interested in doing much. Still kinda stung from yesterday.

blah!!!

A long, long time ago...

2011-03-05T21:30:00.002-06:00

I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they'd be happy for a while.

That's sort of how I'm feeling right now...

It's the day the squishy died.

I have little to no hard feelings about the situation. I got a message from him saying that he wasn't feeling a romantic connection. I can't argue this, I can't blame him... but it still sucks :(

The little things

2011-03-04T20:45:00.000-06:00

You might not believe it but it really is the little things that count. It's those little inconsequential things that get noticed and that you remember. It's the things you do that show that you're thinking about the other person. It can just be teeny tiny, but can make the biggest difference.

My example...

Monday night when I was out with Squishy (I'm starting to think I need a different name for him?) we had gone to Outback Steakhouse. We both ordered the garlic mashed potatoes, seriously how can you NOT order those? So he's driving us back to my place and he pulls out a packet of gum. He asks me to get him a piece. Of course I do, after all I am the passenger and it's part of the passengers duties to help keep the driver comfortable so they can concentrate on the road... sorry, divergence into my thinking regarding passengers and navigators...

Okay, but not only did I pull the gum out of the packet, but I also opened the wrapper and handed it to him in a way that he could just grab the gum and pop it in his mouth. He didn't need to try to drive and fumble around with getting the gum out of the wrapper.

The fact that I did that, opened the wrapper and everything, sort of floored him. It was the fact that I took the time to think about what would be easiest for him and followed through with that thinking, I thought about his needs, and that seemed to surprise him.

It really, honestly, is the little things that count. The opening of a door for someone, the note or text just telling someone you're thinking of them, the opening a gum wrapper for them, just the teeny tiny little things that can occur any day. Unloading the dishwasher because you know it's clean and putting in the dirty dishes, starting a car to warm it up in the cold weather, just the little things can mean so much. Even though they aren't that big it can still mean a lot.

Okay this may sound strange, but I sort of look at it like how I massage people. When I'm rubbing someones back or giving a full body massage I think about what would feel really good on me, and then I do that to them. For example, sometimes my knees are killing me, so I rub all around the joint and move the leg to loosen it up and it can feel so good afterwards.

I think about what would make me smile? What little thing would make my day so much brighter? What could someone do for me that would just send me over the moon on an average day? Whatever I come up with is what I do for the person I care about.

I still love the line from a friend of mine, something he told me not too long after he got married, that just because you get married doesn't mean you ever stop dating :)